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***Here’s a Little Taste***

A WOMAN will go on a starvation diet and have herself skinned alive in order to retain her husband’s admiration; but a man considers himself a martyr if he resists a boiled onion.
THE sentiment a society woman wastes in baby-talk to her dog and the money a society man wastes on gasoline for his automobile would keep half a dozen babies in love and milk.
A CYNIC can always find flaws in a woman and weeds in a rose garden.
THE lower a man’s forehead, the higher his collar.
NO matter how much a man dislikes children before marriage, after marriage he always imagines that he is going to improve on the human race.

[53]

A GIRL’S idea of a proposal of marriage is so different from any she ever gets, that, even after she is married she often wonders how it happened.
VENUS may have been the most popular lady of her time; but it takes a clever huntress, like Diana, to get any attention nowadays.
NOTHING makes a woman feel so old as watching the bald spot daily increase on the top of her husband’s head.
LOVE is not really blind, it is only nearsighted; and marriage is the optician that furnishes it with a strong pair of lenses, warranted to dispel all illusions and make defects perfectly clear.
WHOM the gods wish to destroy they first infatuate with a chorus girl.

[54]

A WISE jilt wears his scalp beneath his waistcoat, and a wise girl keeps her mittens carefully hidden; only a savage or a fool flaunts the trophies of the love-chase.
COCK ROBIN isn’t the only chap who ever promised to feed a girl on jelly-cake and wine when he knew perfectly well that the moment they were married she would have to go out and grub for worms.
PATCHING up a shattered love-affair is as foolish as trying to mend cobwebs.
MATRIMONY is a see-saw; and the secret of happiness lies in keeping yourself so carefully balanced that you neither fly into the air nor come down with a sickening thud.
THE softer a man’s head, the louder his socks.

[55]

FROM the latest divorce cases it appears that as soon as a married couple get rich enough to keep two automobiles they at once begin to travel separate roads.
DON’T think your husband has ceased to love you merely because he has begun to lie to you; it’s when he stops taking the trouble to whitewash himself that you have real grounds for that suspicion.
MANY a woman thinks she has married a hero until she tries to get him to go out and reason with the janitor.
A GOOD husband may be the “salt of the earth,” but he often seems more like the pepper.
THE trouble with the marriage tie is that it’s so tight that most people get tangled up or frazzled out trying to loosen it.

[56]

WHEN a young man rails at marriage, listen for the wedding bells; a confirmed bachelor is too indifferent on the subject to be bitter about it.
A MAN doesn’t think he has had a good time unless he has a headache the next morning.
THERE is no such thing as a confirmed bachelor in the countries where harems are fashionable.
IT isn’t tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it’s separating himself from all the others.
WHAT a man considers his “personal distinction,” and a girl refers to as his “charming personality,” is often nothing more than a good tailor and a smart haberdasher.

[57]

BEING good is merely keeping up with the styles; what was immoral ten years ago is only fashionable now, and what is shocking now will be only fashionable ten years hence.
WONDER how many wives have been awakened from love’s young dream by a snore.
IT’S the men who are least particular about their own morals who are the most particular about a woman’s; if Satan should come up here seeking a wife, he would probably demand an angel with gilt wings instead of a nice congenial little devil.
APPEALING to a man’s sense of humor when he has just lathered his face for shaving, is about as effective as appealing to a cat’s sense of honor when she sees a chance to steal the milk.

[58]

A MAN loses his illusions first, his teeth second and his follies last.
SOMEHOW, the wagon a woman hitches to a star always turns out a baby carriage.
A GOOD lie in time saves nine poor ones next morning.
WHEN a girl refuses a man his chagrin is always tempered by his astonishment that she could be so blind to her own good fortune.
THE troublesome part of love and everything nice is that it always must end; but then that’s the nicepart of matrimony and everything troublesome.
THAT old saw about marrying a man to get rid of him isn’t a joke. It’s the best way.

[59]

ABSENCE may make the heart grow fonder, but it is more likely to make the head grow steadier; there is nothing like total abstinence to cure you of “that dizzy feeling” that comes from either love or cocktails.
BY THE awkwardness with which some men make love, you would fancy they had learned how in a correspondence school.
AS lovers men are inclined to be general practitioners rather than specialists.
IT MAY be possible to patch up a wornout love affair, but the darned places will always rub even if they don’t show.
IF a man would display the same patience in catering to a wife that he does in coloring an old meerschaum pipe matrimony would be as pleasant as a pipe dream.

[60]

THERE’S an old superstition that it’s bad luck to be married in May; why not include the other eleven months?
THE only contract a man considers so unimportant that he will sign it without first reading it over is the marriage contract.
A WOMAN whose husband gives her cause for jealousy should not shed tears; she should shed the husband.
A MAN is never really old until his rosy hopes have turned gray and he has begun to get wrinkles in his disposition.
A GOOD woman is known by what she does; a good man by what he doesn’t.
RICH men and their wives are soon parted; matrimony plus money has such a way of developing into alimony.

[61]

ONE way to a man’s heart is through your father’s pocketbook.
LOVE is the sparkle in the wine; matrimony, the headache that follows.
BETTER be a young man’s slave than an old man’s nurse.
THERE is something about one cocktail that makes a man want another the moment he has swallowed it; and there is something about one woman that makes a man want another the moment he has married her.
A MAN plays his part in his first love affair as an actor plays his first star rôle with fire and enthusiasm, but without poise or method; later he becomes so technical that he can make his pretty speeches backward without a single thrill.

[62]

THE only common ground on which some married people ever meet is the burying ground.
LOVE is like a good dinner; the only way to get any satisfaction out of it is to enjoy it while it lasts, have no regrets when it is over and pay the price with good grace.
HUSBANDS and wives may meet in heaven—but some of them won’t if they see each other first.
THE hardest part about the “next morning” is not the headache; it’s the effort to recall what particular story you told your wife the night before.
POOR people don’t have to economize on love, kisses nor enthusiasm; and with plenty of those one can cover all the bare spots on the walls of poverty.

[63]

FLATTER a husband a little and he will adore you; flatter him too much and he will soon begin to wonder why such a combination of Solomon and the Apollo Belvidere ever stooped to marry an insignificant little thing like you.
IT’S the hours a woman spends making frocks that her husband never looks at, and the hours a man spends making jokes that his wife never laughs at, that make the matrimonial years drag so heavily.
THE reason that a woman who takes the downward path has so much attention is that there are so many men going that way.
A MAN makes a virtue of necessity when he prides himself on his devotion to a wife who is so fascinating that he can’t help it.

[64]

A MAN’S wife, like any other sort of stimulant, ceases to have that exhilarating effect after she has become a steady diet.
NO MAN knows the shock that a woman receives when she finds that she has got to live up to a standard that is half angel and half cook.
MEN declare they admire common sense in a woman; but a physical culturist with a perfect digestion and a thirty-inch waist hasn’t a chance in the world against a foolish, unhealthy little thing in a French corset, a princess frock and open-work stockings.
THE ultimate proof of a man’s love is the self-restraint he shows when he allows a girl to run her fingers through his hair without putting up his hand to see if the part is still there.

[65]

A LITTLE knowledge makes a man a fool—but it makes a woman suspicious.
THE best way to cure a man’s love is to return it with interest—and then watch him lose the interest.
A MAN seldom escapes temptation because he is so careful not to let any interesting temptations escape him.
SELF-SACRIFICE is the soul of love, and a real soul-mate is one who is willing to get up and take the milk off the dumb-waiter, wait until you have finished with the morning paper and give you the seat nearest the radiator.
IT must be awful to live with a man after you have reformed him and he has become so superlatively good that you don’t feel superior to him any more.

[66]

GOOD husbands are like tracts, comforting but uninteresting; the other kind are like dime novels, exciting, but apt to keep you in a constant fever of dread, anticipation and curiosity.
IF a woman were like a serial novel and a man could read only one chapter at a time, honeymoons would last forever.
A MAN doesn’t demand common sense from a woman; he is satisfied with incense.
WHEN a girl marries a man because he is the best she can do it is the irony of fate to have him blame her because they are ill-mated.
DAKOTA is the State that cuts a woman’s troubles in half—and kindly takes away the better half.

[67]

WONDERFUL how soon after marriage a man gets to look upon the morning and evening kiss as one of his daily chores.
WHAT is the happiest state in life? Why, Dakota, of course.
COLLEGE boys are addicted to cigarettes and flirtations, bachelors to cigars and sweethearts; it takes a married man to get real joy out of anything so economical as a pipe or a wife.
MARRIAGE is the “commencement exercise” at which we take our diplomas in love; thereafter, like the college graduate, we begin to learn how little we know about it all.
HALF the divorces are founded right on the wedding journey, just as half of indigestion is founded on too much sugar.

[68]

WHAT do they know—about one another that makes every man who kisses a girl warn her so darkly and impressively not to trust any of the others?
POVERTY is only a relative affair, after all; it is X minus the things you want.
HEAVEN must be something like an afternoon tea, as far as the dearth of men is concerned.
FIGURES do lie; especially if they are the ones that express a woman’s age—or the time a man gets home at night.
A MAN’S favorite way of answering a woman’s accusations is to tell her how pretty she looks when she gets excited.
MATRIMONY is the price of love—divorce, the rebate.

[69]

WHEN a millionaire’s heart is touched it makes a hollow sound.
THE woman who is wedded to an art and also to a man pays the full penalty for that kind of bigamy.
IN the love game nobody knows exactly what he wants; but a wise man tries to get what he thinks he wants and a wise woman tries to think she wants what she gets.
A MAN isn’t as curious as a woman—because usually a woman tells him everything before he has a chance to become curious.

THE only original thing about some men is original sin.

HOLD on tight to your temper ’round the curves of matrimony.

[70]

COLD water never cured a fever and a woman’s indifference never put out the divine fire of a man’s love.
LOVE is a sort of club sandwich affair, composed of large slices of selfishness, seasoned with passion, spiced with jealousy and covered with thin layers of sentiment.
A MAN may admire a superior woman, but when it comes to marrying he prefers a goose who will cackle at his jokes to an owl who is likely to hoot at them.
A MAN always remembers a girl’s first kiss the longest—because usually that’s the only one he had any trouble in getting.
TO keep a man’s interest at high pressure deal yourself out to him in homœopathic doses; one only wants more of anything that one cannot get enough of.

[71]

THOSE who have tried matrimony, like those who have finished with the morning paper, always say, “There’s nothing in it;” but somehow that never keeps the rest of us from wanting to see for ourselves.
WONDER if it never occurs to the woman who marries a man to reform him that the sort of person who is headstrong enough to have made a “past” for himself isn’t likely to sit quietly by and let somebody else carve out his future for him.
IT is so much easier for some men to go to the devil for a woman than to go to work for her.
ALAS that the fever of love should so often be followed by a chill!
IN THE modern love affair woman proposes, God disposes and man—just dozes.

[72]

A MAN doesn’t need to swear at a woman in order to express his opinion of her; he can shut the front door behind him in the morning so that it sounds just like a “damn!”
BY a man’s vows of devotion ye shall not know him; the lover who promises a girl a life of roses is usually the one who allows her to pick off all the thorns for herself.
MAN is such a paradox that a woman is forced to make him believe that she doesn’t take him seriously—or she won’t get a chance to take him at all.
A MAN cannot keep his grouch and his friends at the same time.
THE woman who marries a dandy soon discovers that a thing of beauty is not necessarily a joy forever.

[73]

A MAN never selects a wife with any judgment or reason, because by the time he has reached the marrying fever all judgment and reason have fled.
IT IS a wise fool who rushes in and a fool angel who fears to tread when it comes to love making; the woman who can’t be coaxed can always be captured.
IT MAY not be immoral for a girl to say “damn,” but it affects a man just as it would to hear a dove or a canary bird shrieking like a parrot.
A MAN in the act of putting his wife on the train for her summer vacation feels like the bad boy who has just heard the bell clang for recess; he doesn’t know exactly what he is going to do, but he knows it will be something against the rules and hence very fascinating.

[74]

IT’S awfully hard for a girl, with her mind all made up and her thoughts at the altar, to sit silently by and wait for the love idea to penetrate the thick layers of resistance that cover the masculine brain.
AS long as Satan can make a woman believe that it is possible to reform a rake and make a roué over into a doting husband the ladies will keep his majesty’s business running.
IF anything could make a woman willing to exchange her curves for a little muscle it would be that maddening, “There, there, now!” attitude with which the average man greets her righteous wrath.
MANY a man would be dumbfounded if he should discover that the ideal in his wife’s heart didn’t have a double chin, a bald spot and turned-in toes just like himself.

[75]

THE music of the spheres isn’t loud enough to drown the din of some matrimonial squabbles.
A KNOWLEDGE of all the ologies and isms isn’t worth half as much to a girl in the game of life as a knowledge of how to use her eyes and how to keep her pompadour in curl.
WHEN a man discovers that a woman knows more than he does it strikes him dumb—but not with admiration.
HEART-TO-HEART talks between platonic friends are as apt to lead to lip-to-lip silences that Plato never dreamed of.
MAN may be the noblest work of God—in the abstract; but in a bathing suit—well, it takes blind love to make a girl think he looks like that.

[76]

A MAN’S surprise at the calmness with which his wife receives the announcement that he has failed in business is only equaled by his astonishment at her hysteria when a dress comes home that doesn’t fit.
A GIRL always keeps a tender spot in her heart for the man she has once loved; but to a man nothing is so cold as cooled affection.
YOU would fancy a girl were a species of ostrich from the amount of flattery a man feeds her before marriage and the two-edged cynicisms he expects her to swallow afterward.
THE average woman goes from the altar into total eclipse from which she never emerges until she becomes a widow—since husbands never look at their wives and other men don’t dare.

[77]

THE man who is most in love is most apt to get over it, just as the man who drinks most champagne has the worst headache next morning.
ALL this talk about trial marriages seems so superfluous—considering that marriage has always been a trial.
A MAN’S sense of honor is so peculiar that it gets out of working condition the minute he comes near a pretty woman.
MAN—as far as his opinions and emotions go—is the noblest work of woman.
A KISS and its thrills are soon parted—after the honeymoon.
EVERY woman is born an actress; and actresses are twice as attractive to men as other women because they are twice women.

[78]

A DARK brown “past” is sometimes a good insurance against a black future; the man who has “seen life” is not quite so likely to be looking for it.
HAPPINESS in marriage doesn’t depend half so much on whether or not a man keeps the Ten Commandments and goes to church as on whether or not he keeps a pretty stenographer and comes home to dinner.
WHEN a man declares that he knows his own mind, his wife may sometimes wonder why he seems so proud of the acquaintance.
MARRYING a widower is like inheriting an heirloom; marrying a grass widower is like getting second-hand goods that somebody else has been anxious to get rid of.

[79]

MATRIMONY is a life job with long hours, small pay, hard work, no holidays and no chance to “give notice” if you get tired of it.
AFTER all, a wife has her uses—even if its only as a protection against other ladies’ breach of promise suits.
A PRETTY wife in a soiled kimono affects a man like a pâté de fois gras served on an old tin plate; it takes away his appetite—for love.
IT always surprises a woman when the son who has been tied to her apron strings suddenly gets tangled up in some chorus girl’s shoe strings.
A MAN’S idea of a perfectly loyal, devoted woman is one who will deceive another man for his sake.

[80]

A GIRL’S idea of business is a place where she can meet some man who will take her out of it.
IN THE “relation of the sexes” a man is so likely to regard his wife as the “poor relation.”
NO MAN refuses to give a good wife all the credit she deserves; but some of them are rather shy about giving her cash to the same amount.
A WOMAN on her summer vacation soon discovers that a husband is not “a man of letters,” but a man of off-hand notes and telegrams.
A LOVER looks at women through rose-colored spectacles, an old bachelor through blue glasses, and a married man—through a microscope.

[81]

A MAN always feels deeply injured when his wife refuses to believe the story that he has worked at all the way up in the cab to make sound interesting and perfectly plausible.
IT inspires a man with real awe and admiration, after he has spent all day Sunday and broken half the family tools fussing over a fractious lock, to see his wife come along and pick it with one hand and a hairpin.
WHENEVER a man makes up his mind to give up anything, from a woman to a vice, it suddenly becomes so attractive to him that he begins to take a new and violent interest in it.
THE hard part of separating from a husband or wife for summer vacation is trying to look sorry about it when you say good-by at the station.

[82]

TRAIN up a son in the way he should go—and then watch him go some other woman’s way.
MAKING hay while the sun shines is very tame sport beside making love while the moon shines.
THE dollar sign is the only sign in which the modern man appears to have any real faith.
IT IS a mistake to propose to a girl with whom you have been mooning all morning on the beach until you discover whether that pang you feel is really heart hunger or only the other kind of hunger; the two have such similar effects.
YOU can lead a husband to the restaurant, but you can’t make him order champagne—unless it’s another woman’s husband.

[83]

LOVE seldom follows marriage, unless marriage follows love.
WHEN a man says that “circumstances” have forced him to break his engagement with you, it is pretty safe to conclude that “Circumstances” wears smarter frocks or has a more fascinating way of doing her hair.
SOME bright day women will learn that it is as impossible to revive a man’s interest in a girl whom he has ceased to love as to make him want stale champagne with all the fizz gone out of it.
ALL the great tragedies are written about the woman who isn’t married to some man, but ought to be; when as a matter of fact the most tragic figure on earth is the woman who is married to him and oughtn’t to be.

[84]

THERE are two kinds of masculine hearts; the kind like a peach, soft and impressionable on the outside, but stony at the core; and the kind like a nut, seemingly impenetrable, but sweet and satisfying once you get through the shell.
A MAN doesn’t object to a girl who smokes cigarettes, wears three-ply collars and calls him “old chap” because he considers her immoral, but because he considers her just a bad imitation of himself.
A WOMAN can do nothing wrong, as long as a man is in love with her, and nothing right after he ceases to be.
THE only way to be happy with a man is to have such blind faith that you can believe him when he vows he never kissed another woman, even though the scent of the last girl’s sachet still clings to his coat lapel.

[85]

MARRYING a woman, after you have kept her ten years waiting, is like buying a doll that has stood too long in the showcase.
WHEN a man asks a girl for a kiss, she has to refuse him, but when he simply takes it, she has to take it, too.
NOBODY scorns a woman for marrying money or a title; what they scorn is the sort of thing she usually marries along with it.
THE woman whom a man idealizes is the one who keeps him guessing; who never lets him see how the wheels go round at her toilet table nor in her heart and head.
SOME men regard home as nothing but a “rest cure.”

[86]

TAXING bachelors only encourages them; a man always values anything more, even freedom, when he has to pay for it.
THERE is a time of the year when a man will pay thirty dollars for a Panama hat that makes him look like thirty cents, and thirty cents for a drink that makes him feel like a millionaire.
THE knots in the marriage tie which rub a man the wrong way are the “shalt nots”; those which chafe a woman are the “ought nots.”
THE social swim at present appears to be a whirlpool, wherein a man gets soaked with either weak tea or cocktails.
IN a man’s opinion a kiss is an end that justifies any means.

[87]

WHEN a man makes a woman his wife it’s the highest compliment he can pay her—and usually it’s the last.
THE happiest wife is not always the one who marries the best man, but the one who makes the best of the man she marries.
“WHO findeth a wife findeth a good thing,” saith the Scriptures. Well, that’s what most men are looking for nowadays.
IT isn’t the big vague vows he makes at the altar which a man finds it so difficult to keep or to get around, but the little foolish promises he made before he ever got there.
IT IS as foolish to try to reform a man after he has lost his front hair as to try to tame a lion after he has gotten his second teeth.

[88]

IT isn’t the things a man says that proves he loves you, but the things he tries to say and can’t—the things that choke right up in his throat and leave him sitting dumb and miserable on your parlor divan.
PHYSICIANS say the heart is an organ; but by the way some men manage to grind out the same old love songs over and over again it would seem to be more like a street piano.
ONE whiff of an onion will do more to kill love than the breaking of the ten commandments.
ALL a man demands of a woman is a knowledge of what she ought not to do, what she ought not to say and what she ought not to think. All a woman need know in order to wear a halo in her husband’s eyes is how to keep it on straight.

[89]

MARRIED men should make the most successful fiction writers, because it takes a highly developed imagination to invent a different story for one’s wife every night.
DON’T marry a man merely because he can write nice long, soul-satisfying letters; wait until you find out if he can write equally nice long satisfactory checks.

ONE man’s folly is often another man’s wife.

THE woman who makes a man perfectly happy is the one who cares just enough to respond when he is interested and not enough to be interested when he doesn’t respond.
MARRIAGE is like twirling a baton, turning a handspring or eating with chopsticks; it looks so easy until you try it.

[90]

A MARRIED woman is always impressionable, because she has become so used to a total abstinence from flattery that a compliment from a man goes to her head like wine to the head of the teetotaler.
REFINEMENT is what makes a man turn on his heel and go off to the club instead of staying at home and having a good, old-fashioned row with his wife.
THE man who keeps his sentiment bottled up and his money lying in the bank is so narrow that he wouldn’t take a broad view of anything, even if he saw it on a bargain counter at half price.
THE biggest, boldest man that ever lived is built like a barge, and any little woman who puffs up steam enough can attach him to her and tow him all the way up the river of life.

[91]

A MAN is always able to restrain his jealousy as long as his wife wears untrimmed cotton flannel lingerie.
TAKE a spoonful of violet perfume, a pound or so of lace, a dash of music, and serve under a summer moon—and almost any man will call it “love.”
A WIFE always feels perfectly safe in going driving with her husband, because she knows by sad experience that he will devote both hands and all his attention to the horses.
A MAN whom wild horses cannot drag from the path of duty will sometimes get so tangled up in a pink ribbon that he will trip and fall right out of it.
KISSES are love’s assets, quarrels its liabilities.

[92]

BEAUTIES of the soul may be very fascinating, but somehow they aren’t the kind a man looks for when he invites a girl out to dinner or for a spin in his automobile.
AN OLD maid is an unmarried woman who has more wrinkles than money. There is nothing like a halo of gold dollars to keep a woman attractive to a green old age.
THE things for which there is “the devil to pay,” are the only sort which most men seem to consider really worth the price.
AS a soul-companion, the main difference between a bulldog and a husband is that the dog can’t talk—and the husband won’t.
A MAN loves a woman first tenderly, then madly, then dearly, then comfortably, and last dutifully.

[93]

SOME men are born for marriage, some achieve marriage; but all of them live in the deadly fear that marriage is going to be thrust upon them.
DISTANCE lends enchantment; but too much distance between husband and wife is sure to end by one or the other of them finding another “enchantment.”
IN THE mathematics of matrimony two plus a baby equals a family; two plus a mother-in-law equals a mob; and two plus an affinity equals—a divorce.
IT IS something of a shock to the sweet girl graduate who has spent her youth in digging up the Latin roots, studying the Greek forms and acquiring a working knowledge of French, German and Hebrew, to discover that the only language her lover really appreciates is baby talk.

[94]

WHEN a man tells his wife that he is “sorry” about anything he has done he doesn’t mean that he’s sorry he did it, but that he’s sorry she found it out.
FLIRTATION is like a pink tea, harmless but not exciting; love is like a dinner with seven kinds of wine, satisfying and exhilarating but apt to leave you with an uncomfortable feeling that you ought to have stayed away from it.
A MAN’S wife is something like his teeth, in that he seems to be aware of her presence only when it becomes annoying or painful.
ONE advantage in being a married man is that you are not haunted by the harrowing suspicion that every pretty single woman you meet may have matrimonial designs upon you.

[95]

A MAN’S sentiment is like cologne; he always offers you the cheap kind in large quantities.
A FEW years with the “George Washington” type of husband, who goes about with a hatchet and is too honest to flatter his wife, must make her long for a nice, comfortable companion like Ananias.
BEING clever at repartee means being able to say at the moment the brilliant thing which you usually don’t think of until ten minutes later.
ANALYZING your love for a woman is like dissecting a flower; by the time you have picked it to pieces and found out what it is composed of, its perfume and beauty are all gone. Sentimental botanists get about as much satisfaction out of life as dietetics out of a good dinner.

[96]

A SUMMER resort is a place where a man will resort to anything from croquet to cocktails for amusement and where a girl will resort to anything from a half-grown boy to an aged paralytic for an escort.
WHEN a man becomes a confirmed old bachelor it is not because he has never met the one woman he could live with, but because he has never met the one woman he couldn’t live without.
MANY a man who promises before marriage to lift every care off a girl’s shoulders won’t even begin by lifting the ice off the dumb-waiter after marriage.
ONE comfort in being a woman is that you have the right to cry; when a man sheds tears the poor thing always looks and feels as if he had been guilty of an immodest exposure of the soul.

[97]

DON’T fancy a man is serious merely because he treats you to French dinners and talks sentiment; wait until he begins to take you to cheap tables d’hôte and talks economy.
A MAN likes a wife who appeals to his lighter side, but the average man has so many lighter sides that no one woman could appeal to them all; and even if she could there is always his darker side and a peroxide blonde waiting around to appeal to it.
A WOMAN’S idea in marrying a man is that she may save his soul; his idea in marrying her is that she may save his socks and his digestion.
PEOPLE who marry “for a joke” certainly must be blessed with an awfully keen sense of humor.

[98]

THE girl whose hair is a little too gold, whose chin is a little too pink and whose laugh is a little too gay, apparently doesn’t realize that even a siren couldn’t attract a man if she sang too loud.
THE “measure of a man” can usually be taken in half an hour’s acquaintance, but the true measure of a woman is something that is known only to her husband and her dressmaker.
THE worst of certainty is better than the best of doubt,” says the proverb; but when it comes to man’s love for a woman the worst of uncertainty is better for it than the best of security.
A MAN’S past is written on a slate which can be washed clean at will, but a woman’s is written in indelible ink in Mrs. Grundy’s reference book.

[99]

MANY a woman who cannot be bought with any amount of gold can be won with just a little amount of brass.
IF MEN were absolutely certain that angels wear the sort of Mother Hubbard draperies in which they are usually painted instead of French corsets and sheath skirts, not one of them would bother about trying to get to heaven.
THE poet who sang of “woman’s infinite variety” must at some time have been the only young man at a summer hotel.
THE man who lets the tailor pad his shoulders is very contemptuous of the woman who lets the dressmaker pad her skirts.
NOWADAYS love is a matter of chance, matrimony a matter of money and divorce a matter of course.

[100]

SOME men are so material that a beautiful sunset would remind them of nothing but Neapolitan ice cream, and a flock of sheep on a green hillside would suggest nothing more inspiring than lamb with mint sauce.
IN ancient times one drink of Lethe water made a man lose his memory and forget even his name. Oh, well, one drink will do that nowadays—but it isn’t Lethe and it isn’t water.
“JOY cometh in the morning”—but more often to the widow in second mourning.
EVERYBODY has adopted modern improvements and new methods nowadays except the stork, and he goes right along carrying on business in the same old way. No wonder he has lost so much of his fashionable trade to the up-to-date dog fancier.

[101]

A PRETTY girl in a peek-a-boo waist and a Merry Widow hat on her way downtown can sometimes create more excitement in the business district than a Wall Street panic or a fire.
BEFORE marriage it fills a man with tenderness to have a girl slip her hand confidingly into his coat pocket; but after marriage somehow it fills him only with distrust.
IT is one of the mockeries of matrimony that the moment two people begin to be awfully courteous to one another round the house it is a sign they are awfully mad.
A MAN’S idea of being perfectly noble and honest with a woman is to be able to make her think he loves her without indulging in any incriminating statements to that effect.

[102]

MOST women appear to think that “’tis better to have been loved and bossed” than never to have been married at all.
DISAGREEABLE habits, like disagreeable husbands and wives, are so much easier to acquire than the other kind and so much harder to get rid of.
A WIFE’S indignation at the women who flirt with her husband is often tempered by her pity and astonishment that they should be so hard up as to waste time on a man like him.
THE average husband has an idea that economy should begin at home—and end at the corner café.
MANY a wife would be glad to exchange places with her cook on that lady’s salary days and her evenings off.

[103]

A MAN’S idea of showing real consideration for his wife is to make sure that she won’t find out what he is doing before he does anything that she would disapprove of.
THE first child makes a man proud, the second makes him happy, the third makes him hustle, and the fourth makes him desperate.
WHEN a man declares that making love to a particular woman “wouldn’t be right,” he really means that it wouldn’t be safe; but he is too polite to say that.
IN tragic moments we think of trifles; no doubt a girl who is being run down by an automobile stops to thank heaven that there are no holes in her stockings and a man that there are no incriminating letters in his pockets.

[104]

A MONTH of poker parties and summer girls can make a married man as anxious to get his wife back home again as a diet of champagne and ice cream would make him for a square meal of roast beef and baked potatoes.
BETWEEN lovers a little confession is a dangerous thing.
CALL a woman weak-minded and a man will wonder if you aren’t jealous of her; but call her strong-minded and he will take your word without stopping to investigate.
THE wife who insists on being useful instead of concentrating on being beautiful and amusing will soon find herself relegated to the shelf like a medicine bottle, instead of being kept near at hand like a wine bottle.

[105]

THAT sad, patient smile one sees on the face of a married woman may not come so much from heart-hunger as from a daily effort to listen to her husband’s latest joke at the same time that she pacifies the cook, soothes the baby and looks for his lost collar button.
HOPE springs eternal in the feminine breast as long as a woman has ambition enough to continue to curl her hair, and in the masculine breast as long as a man has self-respect enough to keep on shaving his chin.
THE things a man wants in a sweetheart are no more like those he wants in a wife than the things he wants for breakfast are like those he wants for dinner; yet he never seems to despair of warming over the light menu and making it do for a regular diet.

[106]

WHY is a woman always so jealous of her husband’s stenographer when his real affinity is just as likely to be somebody else’s stenographer?
IT IS not a man’s morals but the manners that make him comfortable or otherwise to live with. A burglar or an embezzler can make his wife fairly happy if he will be prompt to dinner, agreeable at breakfast and will put up the portieres with a pleasant smile.
NOTHING makes a woman so green with envy and mortification as her husband’s ability to turn over and snore five minutes after they have had an exciting quarrel.
OLD love, like old lamps, is apt to burn low and fitfully; it takes a new heart interest now and then to keep up the glow of life.

[107]

THE balance of power in the family usually goes to the husband or wife who has the largest balance in the bank.
AMONG a man’s sweethearts the first shall never be last, and the last can always be sure that she isn’t the first.
THE larger a man’s girth the more expensive his flirtations; nothing but orchids and grand opera tickets can make a girl forget real embonpoint long enough to be sentimental.
MEN don’t talk about one another as women do—perhaps because they find it so much more interesting to talk about themselves.
A FRANK husband and a kodak fiend teach a woman that truth is indeed stranger and more terrible than fiction.

[108]

ONE touch of highball makes the whole world spin.
A MAN’S sense of honor is so peculiar that it gets out of working condition the minute he comes near a pretty woman.
THE man who kisses a woman at the first opportunity is either a fool or a cad; the man who waits for the second opportunity is a philosopher; the man who waits for the third opportunity is a speculator; and the man who waits any longer is—a freak.
THE girl who has entertained her fiancé every evening for a three years’ engagement may console herself with the hope that she won’t be liable to see so much of him after marriage.
‘TIS best for a man to be square, but a woman is more lucky to be round.

[109]

WHEN a man has waked up the whole family and half the neighborhood flinging empty beer bottles at a cat on the back fence he feels so refreshed that he can go right back to sleep and snore straight through a fire or a thunderstorm.
IN the face of a man’s childlike vanity it is so difficult for a girl to decide to be ready when he arrives and thereby look as though she had been waiting for him, or to keep him waiting and look as though she had been primping for him.
A MAN will tell his troubles first to his God, next to his lawyer, then to his valet, and lastly—to his wife.
A LITTLE “absent treatment” now and then is the best tonic for conjugal love; an ounce of summer vacation is worth a pound of divorce.

[110]

IT may cause a man sincere regret to get into a foolish flirtation, but the only thing that causes him real downright repentance is not to be able to get out of it.
TO fascinate an intelligent man pretend to be silly; to attract a good man pretend to be naughty; to win a fool pretend to be clever; and to charm the devil pretend to be a saint.
A GIRL loves to spell her soul out on paper, but a man can’t see the use of writing a love-letter when he can compress his whole passion into one paragraph on a post card.
IT is a sad fact that two people who go into matrimony with the noble idea of sharing one another’s joys and ambitions so often end by sharing nothing but one another’s towels and brushes and grouches.

[111]

A MODERN love affair is something like English plum pudding: it contains very little spice and sweetness and is mostly a matter of “dough.”

A FLIRT and his conscience are soon parted.

A MAN’S idea of constancy is being perfectly devoted to some woman who is either dead or too indifferent to demand anything of him.
THE whole art of winning at either cards or love consists in keeping a level head and not taking the game seriously; but, alas—when a man is playing for money and a woman for matrimony they are bound to take it seriously.
WHEN mothers-in-law come in at the door love flies out at the window.

[112]

A CLEVER woman can sometimes make a fool of a man, but it takes a fluffy little thing with a baby face and no brains or morals to speak of to make him make a fool of himself.

FAINT praise ne’er won fair lady.

GOING through life without love is like going through a good dinner without an appetite—everything seems so flat and tasteless.
IT is most provoking to a woman who is winning in a quarrel to have a man suddenly turn round and take the argument right out of her mouth—with a kiss.
WHERE do all of the lost hearts go? Well, most of the masculine ones go “down where the Wurzburger flows.”

[113]

THE hardest problem of a girl’s life is to find out why a man seems bored if she doesn’t respond to him and frightened if she does.
MENTAL science never cured a man of love-sickness, because in the average man’s love mentality plays so small a part.
A MARRIED woman has an awfully small chance of learning anything about her husband’s English vocabulary, for the simple reason that he never addresses her except in baby talk or swear words.
A $30-A-WEEK clerk always feels it incumbent to take a girl to the theatre in a taxicab. It requires a bona-fide millionaire to drag her about in a five-cent street car with perfect éclat and no apologies.

[114]

WHETHER a girl looks indignant or happy after you have kissed her depends a great deal on how long she has been waiting for you to get up the courage to do it.
TURNED-DOWN lovers tell no tales.
WHEN a woman says “There are no secrets between my husband and me,” it is a sure sign that she hasn’t found out any of his.
THERE are dozens of systems for winning at roulette, but the only system for winning at love is systematic flattery.
LOVE in a cottage doesn’t seem so appalling when you come to consider that there is such a thing as matrimony in a modern flat.

[115]

NO MAN is a really artistic lover who hasn’t enough dramatic instinct to forget all other women while he is making love to one.
IF it weren’t for the tiresome wedding journey and the monotonous honeymoon, bridal couples could begin being happy right away.
EVEN though the dulcet iciness in her voice ought to be more effective than a shriek of warning, a man will go right on telling his stout, blondeblonde wife that she ought to dress like the slim brunette next door.
THERE is something about a wife’s tears that washes all the color and starch out of a man’s love.
WHEN married people can’t come to terms marriage should come to a termination.

[116]

THE longest way round matrimony is the shortest way to happiness.
THE reason a man is so often tempted is because most of the time that is what he is sitting around waiting for.
FROM the stony silence into which the average husband sinks after the honeymoon there must be something almost unspeakable about matrimony.
A WOMAN looks upon her first kiss as a consecration; a man regards it as a desecration.
TIME and tide wait for no man, but the untied woman has to wait for any man who chooses to keep her waiting.
IN fashionable circles one wife and a dog constitute a “family.”

[117]

IT MAY be very noble of a man to have no secrets from the woman he loves, but it’s rather hard on all the other women he has gotten over loving.
A MAN who can marry the right girl and won’t marry her somehow always ends by being made to marry the wrong one.
MANY a good husband hasn’t the nerve or the courage to be anything else.
WIDOWS have all the honors without any of the trials of matrimony; a live husband is sometimes a necessity, but a dead one is a real luxury.
MANY a man’s idea of a wife is something decorative to be kept around the house and only taken out on show occasions like the jewels in his safe and the horses in his racing stable.

[118]

IN olden times sacrifices were made at the altar—a custom which is still continued.
OF course every woman knows that the man she loves is a “brute”—but unfortunately that is one of the reasons why she loves him.
THE kind of woman who holds a man’s devotion forever is like a silky, self-satisfied Angora cat who takes her petting as a matter of course, never returns it, and never gets on his nerve by asking for more.
IT isn’t so much a man’s sins and failings, but the air of conscious pride with which he accepts her comments on them that a woman can’t forgive.
THAT will be a great novel in which the author can make the man who owns the machine as fascinating as the chauffeur.

[119]

EVERY man honestly believes that franchise in the hands of a woman is like a loaded gun in the hands of a small boy—utterly useless and sure to do damage to somebody.
WAD some power the giftie gie us to see ourselves as men’s mothers see us—but it wouldn’t make us happy.
ONE reason why a dainty little thing like a woman wastes her love on man-creature with a rough chin, stubbly hair and a smell of tobacco about his clothes is that he is the only thing in that line.
A MAN will forgive a woman for almost any indiscretion sooner than for leaving her hair in the comb and for breaking the Ten Commandments sooner than for leaving her hot curling tongs where his fingers can get on them.

[120]

THE man who tries to mix his women friends has about the same unfortunate results as the man who tries to mix his drinks.
‘TIS better to have kissed and paid the cost than never to have kissed at all.
THE word “court,” whether it refers to the way her husband won her or the place where he lost her, always has a pleasant sound to a grass widow.
IF a woman could veil her thoughts and feelings as effectively as she veils her face she would be so fascinating that no man could resist her.
WHEN it comes to love-making men are so unoriginal, that a sage, a fool and a “lovers’ letter-writer” all sound exactly alike.
HUSBANDS are like Christmas gifts: you can’t choose them; you’ve just got to sit down and wait until they arrive and then appear perfectly delighted with what you get.
THE only way to be happy with a husband is to learn to be happy without him most of the time.

Transcriber’s Notes:

Obvious punctuation errors repaired.

Book title was added to top of text so that it did not begin only with the quotes printed on the inside covers.

The remaining corrections made are indicated by dotted lines under the corrections. Scroll the mouse over the word and the original text will appear.

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Project Gutenberg's Reflections of a Bachelor Girl, by Helen Rowland

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Title: Reflections of a Bachelor Girl

Author: Helen Rowland

Illustrator: Henry S. Eddy

Release Date: March 19, 2010 [EBook #31700]

Language: English

Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1

*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR GIRL ***

Produced by Emmy and the Online Distributed Proofreading
Team at http://www.pgdp.net

REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR GIRL

THE average man
looks on matrimony
as a hitching
post where he can tie
a woman and leave
her until he comes
home nights.
STRANGE, how
joyfully a man
will pay a lawyer five
hundred dollars for
untying the knot that
he begrudged paying
a clergyman fifty dollars
for tying.

REFLECTIONS of A

BACHELOR GIRL

By

Helen Rowland

Decorated byHENRY S. EDDY”Just once more” is the
Devil’s best argument.

Emblem

NEW YORK

DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY

220 East 23d Street

men proposing


A MAN buttons a woman’s dress
up the back with almost the
same grace and alacrity that a
woman displays in climbing a
barbed wire fence.
Cupid on a key

[3]

REFLECTIONS OF A

BACHELOR GIRL

“JUST once more” is the Devil’s best argument.

VARIETY is the spice of love.

THE only people who believe in a personal
devil, nowadays, are the ones who are
married to that kind.
THE girl who marries for money is bought;
but the girl who marries for love is sold.
A WISE lover, like a good cook, is one who
knows when the fire is out.

ALIMONY is the price of peace.

IN marriage, the love-light so often goes out
as soon as the gas bills begin to come in.

[4]

THE only way to be happy with a husband
is to learn to be happy without him most
of the time.
LOVE is just the shine on the jewel of
matrimony; but, after all, the shine on a
jewel is the whole thing.
A MAN firmly believes that, if he can only
keep his wife in the straight and narrow
path, he can go out and zig-zag all over the
downward one without falling from grace.
A GIRL is never so surprised when a man
proposes to her as he is.
LOVE doesn’t really “make the world go
’round,” it only makes us so dizzy that
everything seems to be going round.
ENNUI is “that tired feeling” that a girl
has when the right man doesn’t show up
and the wrong one does.

[5]

STRANGE, how joyfully a man will pay a
lawyer five hundred dollars for untying
the knot that he begrudged paying a clergyman
fifty dollars for tying.
WHEN a girl marries, she exchanges the
attentions of all the other men of her
acquaintance for the inattention of just
one.
IT gives a girl silver threads among the gold
to marry her ardent admirer and find out
afterward that she has tied herself to a
life-critic.
AS FAR as men are concerned, a woman’s
reputation for brains is worse than no
reputation at all.
ALAS, if husbands were only like sewing
machines, and we could have them sent
up on trial!

[6]

KISSING a girl, without first telling her
that you love her, is as small and mean as
letting a salesman take you for a free ride
in an automobile when you have no intention
of buying it.
DIVORCE is the “Great Divide,” over
which many men think they will pass into
Heaven.
A MAN can never be made to understand
why a woman will pay fifty dollars for
a hat containing ten dollars worth of material
and forty dollars worth of style.
YOUTH will be youth; a young man chases
temptation, folly, and chorus girls as naturally
as a kitten chases its tail.
FLINGING yourself at a man’s head is like
flinging a bone at a cat; it doesn’t fascinate
him, it frightens him.

[7]

MEN say they admire a woman with high
ideals and principles; but it’s the kind
with high heels and dimples that a wife
hesitates to introduce to her husband.
MARRIAGE is the black coffee that a man
takes to settle him after the love-feast.
LOVE is the feeling that makes a man turn
on the hot water when he meant to light
the gas, go hunting for a collar when what
he wanted was a pair of socks, shave every
day, and forget whether or not he has had
any lunch.
HAPPINESS is at high-tide at the full of
the honeymoon.
SOMEHOW, a man who has been thrown
over always lands on his knees to another
girl.

[8]

A CONFIRMED bachelor girl is one who
hasn’t married—yet.
TOO many “flames” dry up the well-spring
of love.
IT IS difficult for an old horse to learn new
tricks—but an old man hasn’t sense enough
not to try.
THE tenderest spot in a man’s make-up is
sometimes the bald spot on top of his
head.
NEVER worry for fear you have broken a
man’s heart; at the worst it is only
sprained and a week’s rest will put it in
perfect working condition again.
A RICH girl need not bother to cultivate
the art of conversation in order to be fascinating.
Her money will do the talking.

[9]

NOTHING can exceed the grace and tenderness
with which men make love—in
novels—, except the off-hand commonplaceness
with which they do it in real life.
ABOUT the only sign of personal individuality
that the average woman is allowed
to retain after she marries is her toothbrush.
THERE are just three brands of masculine
affection: platonic, which is love without
kisses; plutonic, which is kisses without
love, and kisses WITH love—which is almost
extinct.
OF course women should marry; no home
is complete without a husband any more
than it is without a cuckoo clock or a cat.
“HOME” is any four walls that enclose the
right person.

[10]

NO MAN can understand why a woman
shouldn’t prefer a good reputation to a
good time.
THE original fox was a man and the original
grapes were the girls he couldn’t kiss.
A MAN’S desire for a son is usually nothing
but the wish to duplicate himself in order
that such a remarkable pattern may
not be lost to the world.
IT isn’t the girls whom he has loved and lost
that a man sighs for; it’s those whom he
has loved and never won.
LAZY men fancy that the wheel of life is a
roulette wheel, on which fortunes are won
only by chance.
EVERY time a woman gives a man a piece
of her mind she loses a piece of his heart.

[11]

WHEN a man spends his time giving his
wife criticism and advice instead of
compliments, he forgets that it was not his
good judgment, but his charming manners,
that won her heart.
A MAN never marries when he ought to; he
waits until some woman comes along
and gets him so tangled up that he has to.
THE shortest way to Heaven or to Hell is
via the Love Route, Limited.
IT MAY be bad form for a man to pay his
wife compliments and call her pet-names in
the presence of other women, but it’s awfully
good policy.
MANY a foolish runaway match has been
prevented by the fact that a girl didn’t
have on her best silk stockings at the critical
moment.

[12]

REMORSE is the feeling a man has when
the bottle is empty or he has tired of the
girl.
HUSBANDS are like Christmas gifts: you
can’t choose them; you’ve just got to sit
down and wait until they arrive and then
appear perfectly delighted with what you
get.
THE beauty of variety in love or wine is
that the moment a man discovers a new
brand or a new girl, he forgets all about
the others and honestly believes that he is
tasting the real thing for the first time.
MATRIMONY should not be a prison but
a privilege, and husbands and wives
should not be jailors but jolliers.
THAT lump which a man feels in his throat
when he is about to propose is the “don’t”
lump.

[13]

A MAN may read everything that ever was
written about women and yet not know
enough to avoid asking his wife a question
when her mouth is full of pins.
THE oftener a man falls in love, the more
easily and gracefully he does it; exercise
seems to keep the heart in good working
condition.
IT IS always a surprise to a woman when her
husband sues for $200,000 for the alienation
of her affections, which he never seemed
to consider worth two cents.
MATRIMONY is a revolving door, round
which husband and wife follow one another
without ever meeting on the same
side of any question.
MARRYING an old bachelor is like buying
second-hand furniture.

[14]

LOVE always must end sooner or later—usually
sooner than the girl expected and
later than the man intended.
THE woman who insists on playing Solitaire
in conversation is likely to end by
playing Old Maid.
FROM the number of virtues and accomplishments
that a man expects to find in
one wife, you’d fancy he was marrying a
harem.
DON’T worry for fear you may freeze a
man’s love out; the colder the wind you
blow upon it, the higher you fan the
flames.
THE saddest thing about married life is the
opportunity it gives two otherwise agreeable
people for telling one another the disagreeable
truth.

[15]

THERE never was a man big and strong
enough to get out his clean shirt and collar
and fix the water for his bath.
IT’S when the game becomes a trifle stale
that a man begins to feel conscientious
qualms about flirting with a woman.
THE woman who pins her faith to a man
won’t find a safety-pin strong enough to
stand the strain.
IN love, the best way to erase one face from
the tablet of memory is to draw another
across it.
A MAN’S ideal woman is the one he
couldn’t get.
A MAN may feel like a brute at taking a
kiss from a nice girl—but it isn’t until
after he’s gotten the kiss.

[16]

WHY should matrimony interfere with
pleasure in this day of self-rocking
cradles, self-cooking ranges—and self-supporting
wives?
MOST men write a love-letter as cautiously
as though they were writing for publication,
or fame, or posterity.
THE man who breaks his social engagements
with you before marriage, will break
everything from his word to your heart,
afterward.
PLATONIC friendship is a ship that starts
for Nowhere and nearly always ends by
being wrecked in the port of Love.
TO a man, marriage means giving up four
out of five of the chiffonier drawers; to a
woman, giving up four out of five of her
opinions.

[17]

A MAN’S conscience is like his head; it
never bothers him until “the morning
after.”
A MAN’S shoulders are not always as broad
as they’re padded.
MEN say they hate anything loud about a
woman; it must be disgust that makes
them always turn around to stare after a
peroxide blonde.
THE saddest sight on earth is an old bachelor
trying to sew on a button with a blunt
needle and a piece of string.
THERE are some men who, before marriage,
will risk their lives to pick up your
parasol from in front of a whizzing automobile
who wouldn’t get off the sofa after
marriage to pick up anything you might
drop, from a hint, to a baby.

[18]

A HUSBAND gets so used to his wife’s
conversation that after a while it doesn’t
interrupt his reading of the newspaper any
more than the plunking in the steam pipes.
OF course men admire a circumspect
woman above all things, but they seldom
invite her out to supper.
NOTHING bores a man worse than the devotion
of the girl before the last.
IT’S rather sad to see how easily a man gets
“that tired feeling” after a love affair has
become a bit stale.
A MAN may send you a gold-handled umbrella
with your monogram on it in diamonds
and mean nothing but good-fellowship,
but if he offers to put it up and carry
it over you for fear the mist will spoil your
feathers you may be sure he’s in love.

[19]

LOVE letters lead to all sorts of complications,
but post cards tell no tales.
ASKING a girl if you may kiss her before
doing it is an insulting way of laying all
the responsibility on her.
A MARRIED man thinks that if he concedes
to smooth his top hair and carry a
cane he is sufficiently dressy to go out anywhere
with his wife.
BRIDEGROOMS have that sheepish look
because every one of them is morally certain
that he is a lamb being led to the
slaughter.
A WIFE sort of loses her awe and admiration
for men after she has seen her husband
without a collar and with his face
covered with shaving lather and his top
hair sticking up in tufts.

[20]

A MAN seldom discovers that he hasn’t
married his affinity until his wife begins
to get crow’s-feet around the eyes.
IF YOU want to be really popular pat a bald
man on the head; call an old man “naughty
boy”; treat a young man with timid respect;
cling to a little man like the vine to
the mighty oak, and tell a fat man how
you love to dance with him.
THE man who declares a friend innocent
even when he knows he is guilty, and defends
a woman’s reputation even when it
is scarcely worth defending, is not written
down a liar by the recording angel.
ODD how a man always gets remorse confused
with reform; a cold bath, a dose of
bromo-selzer, and his wife’s forgiveness
will make him feel so moral that he will
begin to patronize you.

[21]

IT’S as hard to get a man to stay home after
you’ve married him as it was to get him to
go home before you married him.
A MAN hates emotions; when a girl pours
her heart out to him he feels as if she
has emptied the warm water jug or the
molasses cruet over him.
A WOMAN will lie to anybody else on
earth sooner than to the man she loves;
but a man will lie to the woman he loves
sooner than to anybody else on earth.
MATRIMONY is a bargain—and somebody
has got to get the worst of the bargain.
THE most uncomfortable thing about being
married is that you can never tell whether
your friends are envying you or pitying
you.

[22]

ALL a man asks for in the love-game is beginner’s
luck.
POKER and love are both games of bluff.
A MAN has so many more temptations than
a woman—because he knows where to
go and find them.
A MAN will sit on the edge of the bed, holding
one shoe in his hand and gazing into
space for half an hour, and then send the
cook into hysterics and the waitress into
nervous prostration because he has only
ten minutes left in which to eat his breakfast.
MOST bridal couples pile enough honey into
the first month of matrimony to last a
whole lifetime if thinned out and spread on
economically.

[23]

WONDER if Adam ever scolded Eve for
her extravagance in fig leaves.
A BABY’S kisses taste of stale milk, a boy’s
of jam, a young man’s of cigarettes and
a husband’s of cocktails.
OF course people can’t carry their party
manners into marriage; but if they could,
marriage would be more like a party and
less like a prize fight.
SOME marriages of convenience turn out to
be about the most inconvenient things that
could possibly have happened.
WHEN perfect frankness comes in at the
door love flies out of the window.
MIGHT as well hail a Broadway car on the
wrong side of the street as to
hail a man
on the wrong side
of his vanity.

[24]

DIVORCE is getting to be as painless as
dentistry. Two people pack each other’s
trunks, genially shake hands farewell, wish
each other luck, and then go off to Europe
while the lawyers fight it out.
A MAN forgets all about how to make love
after ten years of matrimony; but it’s
wonderful how quickly he can get into
practice again after his wife dies.
DON’T flatter yourself because he calls
every Sunday evening that it is a sign
that he’s getting serious. It may only be a
sign that everything else is closed.
NO doubt when a man puts his cheek
against a girl’s he always imagines that it
feels as smooth as hers does.
GETTING married is so easy that most
men are suspicious of it.

[25]

A MOTHER-IN-LAW may be the serpent
in the Garden of Eden; but if it hadn’t
been for the serpent whom would Adam
have had to blame for all his troubles?
WHEN two people marry they “lock their
hearts together and throw away the
key;” then they begin looking around for
some old legal nail to pick the lock with.
LUCK in love consists in getting not the
person you want, but the person who
wants you. If you don’t believe it try being
married to somebody who is not in
love with you.
A MAN’S idea of an engagement is a
chance to find out whether or not he
really enjoys kissing that particular girl.
IT’S not his understanding of the plot of the
opera that makes a man appreciate it, but
the “understanding” of the chorus ladies.

[26]

A MAN thinks that by marrying a woman
he proves he loves her, and that therefore
nothing more need ever be said about
it.
THE average man looks on matrimony as a
hitching post where he can tie a woman
and leave her until he comes home nights.
THERE is nothing so uninteresting to a
a man as a contentedly married woman.
A MAN’S sweethearts are like his cigars;
he has many of each of them, loves each
one as tenderly as the preceding, and appreciates
each according to its expensiveness.
A HUSBAND can always find fault with
his wife, but, then, even archangels could
pick flaws in one another if they had to
drink coffee at the same table every morning.

[27]

MATRIMONY is, like the weather, mighty
uncertain, and the happiest people are
those who are neither looking for storms
nor banking on sunshine, but are just willing
to go along sensibly and take what
comes.
IT MAY mean nothing, but it’s very mortifying
to a woman when she takes her husband’s
dog for a walk and he tries to go
into every corner saloon.
IT’S easier to hide your light under a bushel
than to keep your shady side dark.
FUNNY how a married man who is trying
to flirt with you always begins by telling
you what a trying disposition his wife has.
IT’S harder to get around a husband without
flattery than to get around Cape Horn without
a compass.

[28]

A MAN marries a girl for what she is, and
then invariably tries to make her over
into something else which he thinks she
ought to be.
WHEN an ordinary man does not smoke,
drink, nor swear, be careful to find out
what worse folly it is that he is addicted
to.
A MAN gets his sentiment for a woman so
mixed up with the brand of perfume she
uses that half the time he doesn’t know
which is which.
HUSBANDS are like the pictures in the
anti-fat advertisements—so different before
and after taking.
THERE are moments when the meanest of
women may feel a sisterly sympathy for
her husband’s first wife.

[29]

A WOMAN may have a great deal of difficulty
getting married the first time, but
after that it’s easy, because where one man
leads the others will follow like a flock of
sheep.
THERE are so many ways of punishing a
refractory wife that the husband who cannot
find one is either a timid, mawkish
creature or—a gentleman.
WHEN a lawyer is slow about getting a
pretty woman her divorce it is because
he wants a chance to make love to her before
she is in a position to start a breach
of promise suit.
SOME men feel that the only thing they owe
the woman who marries them is a grudge.
BLUE BEARD isn’t the only bridegroom
who ever went to the altar with a closet
full of dead loves on his conscience.

[30]

IT isn’t what a man can see through the holes
in a peek-a-boo waist that makes the garment
attractive, but what he tries to see
and can’t.
A MAN who would turn up his nose at an
overdone chop or an overdone biscuit
will swallow an overdone compliment with
the keenest relish.
TOBACCO and love and olives are all acquired
tastes; your first smoke makes you
sick, your first olive tastes bitter, and your
first love affair makes you unhappy.
MOST men fancy that being married to a
woman means merely seeing her in the
mornings instead of in the evenings.
A REFORMED rake is like a made-over
hat or made-over tea—he has lost his
style and his flavor.

[31]

A MAN is always advising his wife to wear
common-sense shoes, but that isn’t the
kind he turns around in the street to stare
after.
IT isn’t the man who is willing to stay up late
to talk to you, but the one who is willing to
get up early to work for you, that you
ought to waste your powder on.
WHEN a woman is pretty and married an
optimistic man can always console himself
with the thought that perhaps she is
unhappy because her husband doesn’t appreciate
her.
MEN used to marry good cooks and flirt
with chorus girls; now they marry
chorus girls and hire good cooks.
IT’S an ill wind that teaches a man the value
of hatpins.

[32]

IF WE could all pay the price of matrimony
in a lump sum it wouldn’t be so bad; but
paying it in daily instalments is what
wearies us.
A MARRIED man soon learns enough not
to let the barber put lilac water on his
hair; it’s wonderful how sharp they get
about exciting suspicion.
LOVE always comes to a man as a surprise;
he feels like a person who has been hit in
the dark, and his one thought is for a
means of escape.
IF THE average husband were half as attentive,
solicitous and devoted as his coachman,
there would be fewer scandals of the
drawing-room-stable variety.
FLIRTING is the gentle art of making a
man feel pleased with himself.

[33]

SOME men are such bunglers at love-making
that they cannot make a sentimental
remark without tripping over it, or take
your hand or a kiss without making you
feel as though they had taken your pocketbook.
THE average man’s ideas of what a woman
ought to be are as old-fashioned and set as
two china vases on a parlor mantel.
IT takes a mighty dishonorable man not to
lie to a woman about where he saw her husband
the night before.
NEAR-LOVE-MAKING is the scientific
masculine method of saying a great deal
and promising nothing.
IT’S so hard to reform a man when he hasn’t
any great fault but just a little of all of
them.

[34]

A MAN who devotes his youth to ambition
and cuts out love, finds out that he has
been eating the bread of life without any
jam on it.
IT’S so easy for a man to get engaged that he
is always disagreeably surprised when he
finds out how difficult it is to get disengaged.
A MAN buttons a woman’s dress up the
back with almost the same grace and
alacrity that a woman displays in climbing
a barbed wire fence.
IT isn’t Cupid, but cupidity, that is to blame
for those unhappy international marriages.
A MAN is absolutely certain that a woman
is perfectly proper when she refuses to
kiss him because in his simple, childlike
vanity he can’t think of any other reason
why she shouldn’t want to.

[35]

GIVE me a man with a dark brown past—one
who has tasted the spice in life’s pudding,
and won’t begin to long for it the
moment he has been put on the matrimonial
diet of bread and milk.
THE man who fancies himself completely
understood is as unhappy as the woman
who thinks she is misunderstood.
IF St. Peter is really an old man, no girl over
seventeen need apply for admission to
Heaven.
A KISS may be anything from an insult to
a benediction; and yet a man never can
understand why a girl is indignant sometimes
when she is kissed and isn’t at
others.
EVEN a dead husband gives a widow some
advantage over an old maid.

[36]

THE kind of wife every man is looking for
is one who can peel potatoes with one
hand, curl her hair with the other, rock the
cradle with her foot and accompany herself
on the piano.
IT isn’t conscience, but the fear of consequences
that keeps a man from trifling with
a pretty woman.
POVERTY is a love charm; you never
know how great a thing love is until you
haven’t anything else in the world.
WOMEN take awful chances in matrimony—because
that’s the only kind
they get nowadays.
A MAN’S past is always quite past and his
dead loves are so dead that he wouldn’t
recognize them if he should meet their
corpses on the street.

[37]

A MAN always holds a woman at her own
valuation; if she sets a high price on herself
he is eager to pay it, but he doesn’t
want anything that looks as though it
came off a bargain counter.
A MAN always considers himself mighty
clever when he can glide through the
shallows of love-making without foundering
on the rocks of matrimony.
CHOOSING a husband is like picking out
the combination on a lottery ticket; your
first guess is apt to be as good as your last.
A MAN’S idea of success is to be able to
run his business by touching the electric
button at the side of his desk.
MAN is a mysterious chemical combination;
add matrimony and you never can
tell what he will turn into.

[38]

THERE is nothing which falls with such a
dull sickening thud on a man’s vanity as
his wife’s dead silence after he has made
one of his characteristically brilliant remarks.
IT IS always a shock to a girl when her fiancé’s
sister takes her into his den and she
sees her photograph standing on the mantelpiece
between an actress in green tights
and a cigarette ad.
A GIRL who has a brother has a great advantage
over one who hasn’t; she gets a
working knowledge of men without having
to go through the matrimonial inquisition
in order to acquire it.
A MAN always pats himself on the back
when he has composed a letter that
breathes devotion, but would not be negotiable
in a breach of promise suit.

[39]

THERE is nothing so easy for a man as forgetting;
he scarcely takes time to throw a
shovelful of dirt on the grave of a dead
love before he is off pursuing a new one.
TO a man love is only a side dish; to a
woman it’s the whole feast.
THERE are few men constituted strong
enough romantically to stand a daily diet
of kisses, without getting sentimental
nausea.
GENIUS, like anything else, needs distance
to lend it enchantment; and the longer
you are married to one, the more distance
you are likely to give him.
BEFORE marrying a man, ask yourself if
you could love him if he lost his front
hair, went without a collar, smoked an old
pipe, and wore a ready-made suit; all of
these things are likely to happen.

[40]

IT’S a funny thing about being in love, that
the minute a man begins to get serious he
begins to get foolish.
A HUSBAND always expects his wife to
look up to him, even if she has to get
down on her knees to do it.
COURTING is like cooking; you’ve got to
be born with the knack; brains don’t take
the prizes and theory doesn’t count.
THE greatest proof that marriage is not a
failure is that widows and widowers are always
anxious to try it again.
THE only way to be happy with a husband
is to believe everything he tells you—even
when you know it isn’t so.
IN love, a man’s interest in the game is always
deeper than his interest in the girl.

[41]

A MAN may like a girl ever so much until he
finds out she likes him ever so much;
then like cures like. See “Simple Homœopathy.”
PROPOSING is like making welsh-rarebit;
there isn’t any reliable recipe for it and
you can only tell whether or not you have
done properly by the way it turns out.
AFTER a man has seen you cry two or
three times it ceases to move him—except
to move him out of the house.
THE color of a friend’s finger nails or his
socks has very much more weight with a
snob than the color of his soul or his reputation.
IF a man would stick to his wife as he sticks
to his seat in a street car, there wouldn’t
be much need for an alimony bureau.

[42]

AN old bachelor’s looks may be well preserved,
but his heart is always embalmed.
IT takes an awfully big man to own up to his
wife that he was a little at fault in a quarrel.
WHEN a man gets a wife who makes him
happy, he lays it to his perspicacity;
when he doesn’t, he lays it on fate.
LIFE is a game in four rubbers: hearts are
trumps when a man is very young; clubs
are trumps after he marries; diamonds are
trumps as he waxes rich and gouty; and
lastly—spades.
TO flirt inartistically is like stepping on a
woman’s toes when you are waltzing with
her; it gives her real pain.
A MAN seldom marries when he loses his
heart; he waits until he loses his head.

[43]

A MAN is like a cat; chase him and he’ll
run; sit still and ignore him and he’ll
come purring at your feet.
WHAT a girl, who would be really popular,
should do, is to wave a red danger
flag at a man and then start to run in the
opposite direction.
THERE are some men who regard their
wives’ accomplishments with the same patronizing
complacency that they feel toward
the tricks of the educated monkey at the
circus.
DON’T always imagine that the man and
woman who walk side by side without
speaking to each other are angry; they
may be only married.
MASCULINITY covereth a multitude of
sins.

[44]

THE man who whips his small son for lying
to shield a girl, has a mental vision as
narrow as a Rocky Mountain path and side
walls of dogmatism as high as the Colorado
Cañon.
SATAN and Cupid are chums, who go about
together looking for people who have
nothing to do.
MANY a woman has divorced her husband
for “desertion” who cheerfully helped
pack his trunk and pay for his railway
ticket when he left her.
A MAN’S conscience is made of India rubber—warranted
to stretch as long as the
fun lasts.
SOME men think that by putting on a silk
hat and a white Ascot tie they are disguised
as gentlemen.

[45]

THE average man is about as good a judge
of women as a woman is of race horses; he
picks the favorites by their shape and
color.
LOVE is like gambling; you want to be
sure that you are a good loser before you
go in for the game.
A MAN’S idea of honor is so peculiar; he
would die rather than steal a friend’s
money or cheat him at cards, but he will
steal his wife or cheat him out of his
daughter with perfect equanimity.
WHEN you see what some girls marry,
you realize how they must hate to work
for a living.
FLIRTATION is like a cocktail with no
headache in it, champagne with no “next
morning.”

[46]

ALL men are the same after ten years of
matrimony; they all smell of cloves and
tobacco, talk in monosyllables, and tell the
same stories when they come home late.
A RECKLESS lover and an automobile
scorcher may run all the risks—but they
have all the excitement.
OF course, bigamy is very reprehensible;
but the man who marries two women deserves
a little credit for trying to make up
to the sex for the selfishness of the old
bachelor who won’t marry even one.
IN a domestic quarrel, it is not the one who
can hold out, but the one who can hold in,
who usually wins.
THE boy who has been brought up to button
his sister’s frocks down the back cherishes
no illusions about women.

[47]

A MAN is never content with a fortune of
less than six figures; but a woman is
satisfied with one figure—if it has the
proper curves.
IT’S a wise woman that knows how little she
knows about her husband.
ONE advantage of a bull-dog over a baby is
that you are not haunted by the fear that
he will grow up to be just like his father.
THE way to a man’s heart is a zig-zag road,
leading through his stomach twice around
his vanity, across his discretion and
straight over his determination not to
marry.
FAILING to be “there” when a man wants
her, is the greatest sin a woman can commit—except
being there when doesn’t want her.

[48]

THE best men always seem to get the worst
wives and vice versa; that’s Nature’s little
way of spreading the virtues and the vices
around equally, like the jam and the butter
on the bread.
A MAN’S idea of being “master” in his own
house is asserting his right to put his
muddy feet on the best divan and his pipe
ashes on the parlor mantelpiece.
A WOMAN may scoff at her husband’s
religion, insult his friends, absorb his income
and pry into his secrets, and still retain
his love, if she regards his pipe and his
razor as sacred.
YOU can always find somebody to share
your money and your pleasures with; but
you’ve got to have somebody tied to you
to share your sorrows and troubles with;
that’s the excuse for matrimony.

[49]

A MARRIAGE of convenience is the safety-pin
with which a woman fastens on her
self-respect when the hooks of love are
broken.
THERE never was a man so small that he
couldn’t call his two-hundred pound wife
“little one” with a perfectly serious face.
GOD made the first man; but He must have
seen His mistake, for the Scriptures say
nothing of His having had anything to do
with the rest of them.
A MAN’S idea of a thrifty wife is one who
can make lobster salad out of left-over
veal and a new hat out of an old fruit
basket.
LOVE is the spur, matrimony the whip that
drive a man to hard work and successful
accomplishment.

[50]

THE longest way ’round the saloon and the
stage door is the shortest way home for
some men.
THERE never was a man living who
wouldn’t marry Venus, and then expect
her to stay home and do the cooking.
ONCE a fool, twice married.
WHEN a girl marries she usually has to
choose whether she prefers to sit at the
foot of a throne or to stand on a door-mat.
OF course, you can’t expect two people to
keep step all their lives to the wedding
march; but it’s a pity the joy-bells get out
of tune so soon.
NINE tailors may make a man, but they
can’t make a gentleman.

[51]

BEFORE marriage a man inquires, “What
is that fascinating perfume?” afterward,
“What is that sickening stuff?”
IT isn’t the troubles and sorrows they share,
but the bridge parties and midnight suppers
they don’t share, which separate most
married couples.
THERE is no pity on earth so heartfelt as
that with which the bachelor and the
newly-married man regard one another.
LOVE is a delirious spin in an automobile,
marriage the accident of which you are always
in danger.
A WOMAN can get so used to that sort of
thing that she would feel almost neglected
if some day her husband should fail
to offer up the usual morning and evening
growl.

[52]

A WOMAN will go on a starvation diet and
have herself skinned alive in order to retain
her husband’s admiration; but a man
considers himself a martyr if he resists a
boiled onion.
THE sentiment a society woman wastes in
baby-talk to her dog and the money a society
man wastes on gasoline for his automobile
would keep half a dozen babies in
love and milk.
A CYNIC can always find flaws in a woman
and weeds in a rose garden.
THE lower a man’s forehead, the higher his
collar.
NO matter how much a man dislikes children
before marriage, after marriage he
always imagines that he is going to improve
on the human race.

[53]

A GIRL’S idea of a proposal of marriage is
so different from any she ever gets, that,
even after she is married she often wonders
how it happened.
VENUS may have been the most popular
lady of her time; but it takes a clever
huntress, like Diana, to get any attention
nowadays.
NOTHING makes a woman feel so old as
watching the bald spot daily increase on
the top of her husband’s head.
LOVE is not really blind, it is only nearsighted;
and marriage is the optician that
furnishes it with a strong pair of lenses,
warranted to dispel all illusions and make
defects perfectly clear.
WHOM the gods wish to destroy they first
infatuate with a chorus girl.

[54]

A WISE jilt wears his scalp beneath his
waistcoat, and a wise girl keeps her mittens
carefully hidden; only a savage or a
fool flaunts the trophies of the love-chase.
COCK ROBIN isn’t the only chap who ever
promised to feed a girl on jelly-cake and
wine when he knew perfectly well that the
moment they were married she would
have to go out and grub for worms.
PATCHING up a shattered love-affair is as
foolish as trying to mend cobwebs.
MATRIMONY is a see-saw; and the secret
of happiness lies in keeping yourself so
carefully balanced that you neither fly into
the air nor come down with a sickening
thud.
THE softer a man’s head, the louder his
socks.

[55]

FROM the latest divorce cases it appears
that as soon as a married couple get rich
enough to keep two automobiles they at
once begin to travel separate roads.
DON’T think your husband has ceased to
love you merely because he has begun to
lie to you; it’s when he stops taking the
trouble to whitewash himself that you
have real grounds for that suspicion.
MANY a woman thinks she has married a
hero until she tries to get him to go out
and reason with the janitor.
A GOOD husband may be the “salt of the
earth,” but he often seems more like the
pepper.
THE trouble with the marriage tie is that
it’s so tight that most people get tangled
up or frazzled out trying to loosen it.

[56]

WHEN a young man rails at marriage,
listen for the wedding bells; a confirmed
bachelor is too indifferent on the
subject to be bitter about it.
A MAN doesn’t think he has had a good
time unless he has a headache the next
morning.
THERE is no such thing as a confirmed
bachelor in the countries where harems
are fashionable.
IT isn’t tying himself to one woman that a
man dreads when he thinks of marrying;
it’s separating himself from all the others.
WHAT a man considers his “personal distinction,”
and a girl refers to as his
“charming personality,” is often nothing
more than a good tailor and a smart haberdasher.

[57]

BEING good is merely keeping up with the
styles; what was immoral ten years ago
is only fashionable now, and what is
shocking now will be only fashionable ten
years hence.
WONDER how many wives have been
awakened from love’s young dream by
a snore.
IT’S the men who are least particular about
their own morals who are the most particular
about a woman’s; if Satan should come
up here seeking a wife, he would probably
demand an angel with gilt wings instead
of a nice congenial little devil.
APPEALING to a man’s sense of humor
when he has just lathered his face for
shaving, is about as effective as appealing
to a cat’s sense of honor when she sees a
chance to steal the milk.

[58]

A MAN loses his illusions first, his teeth
second and his follies last.
SOMEHOW, the wagon a woman hitches to
a star always turns out a baby carriage.
A GOOD lie in time saves nine poor ones
next morning.
WHEN a girl refuses a man his chagrin is
always tempered by his astonishment
that she could be so blind to her own good
fortune.
THE troublesome part of love and everything
nice is that it always must end; but
then that’s the nice part of matrimony and
everything troublesome.
THAT old saw about marrying a man to get
rid of him isn’t a joke. It’s the best way.

[59]

ABSENCE may make the heart grow
fonder, but it is more likely to make the
head grow steadier; there is nothing like
total abstinence to cure you of “that dizzy
feeling” that comes from either love or
cocktails.
BY THE awkwardness with which some
men make love, you would fancy they had
learned how in a correspondence school.
AS lovers men are inclined to be general
practitioners rather than specialists.
IT MAY be possible to patch up a wornout
love affair, but the darned places will always
rub even if they don’t show.
IF a man would display the same patience in
catering to a wife that he does in coloring
an old meerschaum pipe matrimony would
be as pleasant as a pipe dream.

[60]

THERE’S an old superstition that it’s bad
luck to be married in May; why not include
the other eleven months?
THE only contract a man considers so unimportant
that he will sign it without first
reading it over is the marriage contract.
A WOMAN whose husband gives her cause
for jealousy should not shed tears; she
should shed the husband.
A MAN is never really old until his rosy
hopes have turned gray and he has begun
to get wrinkles in his disposition.
A GOOD woman is known by what she
does; a good man by what he doesn’t.
RICH men and their wives are soon parted;
matrimony plus money has such a way of
developing into alimony.

[61]

ONE way to a man’s heart is through your
father’s pocketbook.
LOVE is the sparkle in the wine; matrimony,
the headache that follows.
BETTER be a young man’s slave than an
old man’s nurse.
THERE is something about one cocktail
that makes a man want another the moment
he has swallowed it; and there is
something about one woman that makes a
man want another the moment he has
married her.
A MAN plays his part in his first love affair
as an actor plays his first star rôle
with fire and enthusiasm, but without
poise or method; later he becomes so technical
that he can make his pretty speeches
backward without a single thrill.

[62]

THE only common ground on which some
married people ever meet is the burying
ground.
LOVE is like a good dinner; the only way
to get any satisfaction out of it is to enjoy
it while it lasts, have no regrets when it is
over and pay the price with good grace.
HUSBANDS and wives may meet in
heaven—but some of them won’t if they
see each other first.
THE hardest part about the “next morning”
is not the headache; it’s the effort to recall
what particular story you told your wife
the night before.
POOR people don’t have to economize on
love, kisses nor enthusiasm; and with
plenty of those one can cover all the bare
spots on the walls of poverty.

[63]

FLATTER a husband a little and he will
adore you; flatter him too much and he
will soon begin to wonder why such a
combination of Solomon and the Apollo
Belvidere ever stooped to marry an insignificant
little thing like you.
IT’S the hours a woman spends making
frocks that her husband never looks at, and
the hours a man spends making jokes that
his wife never laughs at, that make the
matrimonial years drag so heavily.
THE reason that a woman who takes the
downward path has so much attention is
that there are so many men going that
way.
A MAN makes a virtue of necessity when
he prides himself on his devotion to a
wife who is so fascinating that he can’t
help it.

[64]

A MAN’S wife, like any other sort of stimulant,
ceases to have that exhilarating
effect after she has become a steady diet.
NO MAN knows the shock that a woman receives
when she finds that she has got to
live up to a standard that is half angel and
half cook.
MEN declare they admire common sense in
a woman; but a physical culturist with a
perfect digestion and a thirty-inch waist
hasn’t a chance in the world against a foolish,
unhealthy little thing in a French corset,
a princess frock and open-work stockings.
THE ultimate proof of a man’s love is the
self-restraint he shows when he allows a
girl to run her fingers through his hair
without putting up his hand to see if the
part is still there.

[65]

A LITTLE knowledge makes a man a fool—but
it makes a woman suspicious.
THE best way to cure a man’s love is to return
it with interest—and then watch him
lose the interest.
A MAN seldom escapes temptation because
he is so careful not to let any interesting
temptations escape him.
SELF-SACRIFICE is the soul of love, and
a real soul-mate is one who is willing to
get up and take the milk off the dumb-waiter,
wait until you have finished with
the morning paper and give you the seat
nearest the radiator.
IT must be awful to live with a man after you
have reformed him and he has become so
superlatively good that you don’t feel superior
to him any more.

[66]

GOOD husbands are like tracts, comforting
but uninteresting; the other kind are like
dime novels, exciting, but apt to keep you
in a constant fever of dread, anticipation
and curiosity.
IF a woman were like a serial novel and a
man could read only one chapter at a time,
honeymoons would last forever.
A MAN doesn’t demand common sense
from a woman; he is satisfied with incense.
WHEN a girl marries a man because he is
the best she can do it is the irony of fate
to have him blame her because they are ill-mated.
DAKOTA is the State that cuts a woman’s
troubles in half—and kindly takes away
the better half.

[67]

WONDERFUL how soon after marriage
a man gets to look upon the morning
and evening kiss as one of his daily chores.
WHAT is the happiest state in life? Why,
Dakota, of course.
COLLEGE boys are addicted to cigarettes
and flirtations, bachelors to cigars and
sweethearts; it takes a married man to get
real joy out of anything so economical as
a pipe or a wife.
MARRIAGE is the “commencement exercise”
at which we take our diplomas in
love; thereafter, like the college graduate,
we begin to learn how little we know
about it all.
HALF the divorces are founded right on
the wedding journey, just as half of indigestion
is founded on too much sugar.

[68]

WHAT do they know—about one another
that makes every man who kisses a girl
warn her so darkly and impressively not
to trust any of the others?
POVERTY is only a relative affair, after
all; it is X minus the things you want.
HEAVEN must be something like an afternoon
tea, as far as the dearth of men is
concerned.
FIGURES do lie; especially if they are the
ones that express a woman’s age—or the
time a man gets home at night.
A MAN’S favorite way of answering a
woman’s accusations is to tell her how
pretty she looks when she gets excited.
MATRIMONY is the price of love—divorce,
the rebate.

[69]

WHEN a millionaire’s heart is touched it
makes a hollow sound.
THE woman who is wedded to an art and
also to a man pays the full penalty for that
kind of bigamy.
IN the love game nobody knows exactly what
he wants; but a wise man tries to get what
he thinks he wants and a wise woman tries
to think she wants what she gets.
A MAN isn’t as curious as a woman—because
usually a woman tells him everything
before he has a chance to become
curious.
THE only original thing about some men is
original sin.
HOLD on tight to your temper ’round the
curves of matrimony.

[70]

COLD water never cured a fever and a
woman’s indifference never put out the divine
fire of a man’s love.
LOVE is a sort of club sandwich affair,
composed of large slices of selfishness, seasoned
with passion, spiced with jealousy
and covered with thin layers of sentiment.
A MAN may admire a superior woman, but
when it comes to marrying he prefers
a goose who will cackle at his jokes to an
owl who is likely to hoot at them.
A MAN always remembers a girl’s first kiss
the longest—because usually that’s the
only one he had any trouble in getting.
TO keep a man’s interest at high pressure
deal yourself out to him in homœopathic
doses; one only wants more of anything
that one cannot get enough of.

[71]

THOSE who have tried matrimony, like
those who have finished with the morning
paper, always say, “There’s nothing in it;”
but somehow that never keeps the rest of
us from wanting to see for ourselves.
WONDER if it never occurs to the woman
who marries a man to reform him that
the sort of person who is headstrong
enough to have made a “past” for himself
isn’t likely to sit quietly by and let somebody
else carve out his future for him.
IT is so much easier for some men to go to
the devil for a woman than to go to work
for her.
ALAS that the fever of love should so often
be followed by a chill!
IN THE modern love affair woman proposes,
God disposes and man—just dozes.

[72]

A MAN doesn’t need to swear at a woman
in order to express his opinion of her; he
can shut the front door behind him in the
morning so that it sounds just like a
“damn!”
BY a man’s vows of devotion ye shall not
know him; the lover who promises a girl a
life of roses is usually the one who allows
her to pick off all the thorns for herself.
MAN is such a paradox that a woman is
forced to make him believe that she
doesn’t take him seriously—or she won’t
get a chance to take him at all.
A MAN cannot keep his grouch and his
friends at the same time.
THE woman who marries a dandy soon discovers
that a thing of beauty is not necessarily
a joy forever.

[73]

A MAN never selects a wife with any judgment
or reason, because by the time he
has reached the marrying fever all judgment
and reason have fled.
IT IS a wise fool who rushes in and a fool
angel who fears to tread when it comes to
love making; the woman who can’t be
coaxed can always be captured.
IT MAY not be immoral for a girl to say
“damn,” but it affects a man just as it would
to hear a dove or a canary bird shrieking
like a parrot.
A MAN in the act of putting his wife on the
train for her summer vacation feels like
the bad boy who has just heard the bell
clang for recess; he doesn’t know exactly
what he is going to do, but he knows it
will be something against the rules and
hence very fascinating.

[74]

IT’S awfully hard for a girl, with her mind
all made up and her thoughts at the altar,
to sit silently by and wait for the love idea
to penetrate the thick layers of resistance
that cover the masculine brain.
AS long as Satan can make a woman believe
that it is possible to reform a rake and
make a roué over into a doting husband
the ladies will keep his majesty’s business
running.
IF anything could make a woman willing to
exchange her curves for a little muscle it
would be that maddening, “There, there,
now!” attitude with which the average
man greets her righteous wrath.
MANY a man would be dumbfounded if he
should discover that the ideal in his
wife’s heart didn’t have a double chin, a
bald spot and turned-in toes just like himself.

[75]

THE music of the spheres isn’t loud enough
to drown the din of some matrimonial
squabbles.
A KNOWLEDGE of all the ologies and
isms isn’t worth half as much to a girl in
the game of life as a knowledge of how to
use her eyes and how to keep her pompadour
in curl.
WHEN a man discovers that a woman
knows more than he does it strikes him
dumb—but not with admiration.
HEART-TO-HEART talks between platonic
friends are as apt to lead to lip-to-lip
silences that Plato never dreamed of.
MAN may be the noblest work of God—in
the abstract; but in a bathing suit—well,
it takes blind love to make a girl think he
looks like that.

[76]

A MAN’S surprise at the calmness with
which his wife receives the announcement
that he has failed in business is only
equaled by his astonishment at her hysteria
when a dress comes home that doesn’t
fit.
A GIRL always keeps a tender spot in her
heart for the man she has once loved;
but to a man nothing is so cold as cooled
affection.
YOU would fancy a girl were a species of
ostrich from the amount of flattery a man
feeds her before marriage and the two-edged
cynicisms he expects her to swallow
afterward.
THE average woman goes from the altar
into total eclipse from which she never
emerges until she becomes a widow—since
husbands never look at their wives and
other men don’t dare.

[77]

THE man who is most in love is most apt to
get over it, just as the man who drinks
most champagne has the worst headache
next morning.
ALL this talk about trial marriages seems
so superfluous—considering that marriage
has always been a trial.
A MAN’S sense of honor is so peculiar that
it gets out of working condition the minute
he comes near a pretty woman.
MAN—as far as his opinions and emotions
go—is the noblest work of woman.
A KISS and its thrills are soon parted—after
the honeymoon.
EVERY woman is born an actress; and
actresses are twice as attractive to men as
other women because they are twice
women.

[78]

A DARK brown “past” is sometimes a good
insurance against a black future; the
man who has “seen life” is not quite so
likely to be looking for it.
HAPPINESS in marriage doesn’t depend
half so much on whether or not a man
keeps the Ten Commandments and goes
to church as on whether or not he keeps a
pretty stenographer and comes home to
dinner.
WHEN a man declares that he knows his
own mind, his wife may sometimes
wonder why he seems so proud of the acquaintance.
MARRYING a widower is like inheriting
an heirloom; marrying a grass widower
is like getting second-hand goods that
somebody else has been anxious to get rid
of.

[79]

MATRIMONY is a life job with long
hours, small pay, hard work, no holidays
and no chance to “give notice” if you get
tired of it.
AFTER all, a wife has her uses—even if its
only as a protection against other ladies’
breach of promise suits.
A PRETTY wife in a soiled kimono affects
a man like a pâté de fois gras served on
an old tin plate; it takes away his appetite—for
love.
IT always surprises a woman when the son
who has been tied to her apron strings suddenly
gets tangled up in some chorus girl’s
shoe strings.
A MAN’S idea of a perfectly loyal, devoted
woman is one who will deceive another
man for his sake.

[80]

A GIRL’S idea of business is a place where
she can meet some man who will take
her out of it.
IN THE “relation of the sexes” a man is so
likely to regard his wife as the “poor relation.”
NO MAN refuses to give a good wife all the
credit she deserves; but some of them
are rather shy about giving her cash to the
same amount.
A WOMAN on her summer vacation soon
discovers that a husband is not “a man
of letters,” but a man of off-hand notes
and telegrams.
A LOVER looks at women through rose-colored
spectacles, an old bachelor
through blue glasses, and a married man—through
a microscope.

[81]

A MAN always feels deeply injured when
his wife refuses to believe the story that
he has worked at all the way up in the
cab to make sound interesting and perfectly
plausible.
IT inspires a man with real awe and admiration,
after he has spent all day Sunday and
broken half the family tools fussing over a
fractious lock, to see his wife come along
and pick it with one hand and a hairpin.
WHENEVER a man makes up his mind
to give up anything, from a woman to a
vice, it suddenly becomes so attractive to
him that he begins to take a new and violent
interest in it.
THE hard part of separating from a husband
or wife for summer vacation is trying to
look sorry about it when you say good-by
at the station.

[82]

TRAIN up a son in the way he should go—and
then watch him go some other
woman’s way.
MAKING hay while the sun shines is very
tame sport beside making love while the
moon shines.
THE dollar sign is the only sign in which
the modern man appears to have any real
faith.
IT IS a mistake to propose to a girl with
whom you have been mooning all morning
on the beach until you discover whether
that pang you feel is really heart hunger
or only the other kind of hunger; the two
have such similar effects.
YOU can lead a husband to the restaurant,
but you can’t make him order champagne—unless
it’s another woman’s husband.

[83]

LOVE seldom follows marriage, unless marriage
follows love.
WHEN a man says that “circumstances”
have forced him to break his engagement
with you, it is pretty safe to conclude
that “Circumstances” wears smarter
frocks or has a more fascinating way of
doing her hair.
SOME bright day women will learn that it
is as impossible to revive a man’s interest
in a girl whom he has ceased to love as to
make him want stale champagne with all
the fizz gone out of it.
ALL the great tragedies are written about
the woman who isn’t married to some
man, but ought to be; when as a matter of
fact the most tragic figure on earth is the
woman who is married to him and
oughtn’t to be.

[84]

THERE are two kinds of masculine hearts;
the kind like a peach, soft and impressionable
on the outside, but stony at the core;
and the kind like a nut, seemingly impenetrable,
but sweet and satisfying once you
get through the shell.
A MAN doesn’t object to a girl who smokes
cigarettes, wears three-ply collars and
calls him “old chap” because he considers
her immoral, but because he considers her
just a bad imitation of himself.
A WOMAN can do nothing wrong, as long
as a man is in love with her, and nothing
right after he ceases to be.
THE only way to be happy with a man is to
have such blind faith that you can believe
him when he vows he never kissed another
woman, even though the scent of the last
girl’s sachet still clings to his coat lapel.

[85]

MARRYING a woman, after you have kept
her ten years waiting, is like buying a
doll that has stood too long in the showcase.
WHEN a man asks a girl for a kiss, she has
to refuse him, but when he simply takes
it, she has to take it, too.
NOBODY scorns a woman for marrying
money or a title; what they scorn is the
sort of thing she usually marries along
with it.
THE woman whom a man idealizes is the
one who keeps him guessing; who never
lets him see how the wheels go round at
her toilet table nor in her heart and head.
SOME men regard home as nothing but a
“rest cure.”

[86]

TAXING bachelors only encourages them;
a man always values anything more, even
freedom, when he has to pay for it.
THERE is a time of the year when a man
will pay thirty dollars for a Panama hat
that makes him look like thirty cents, and
thirty cents for a drink that makes him
feel like a millionaire.
THE knots in the marriage tie which rub a
man the wrong way are the “shalt nots”;
those which chafe a woman are the
“ought nots.”
THE social swim at present appears to be a
whirlpool, wherein a man gets soaked with
either weak tea or cocktails.
IN a man’s opinion a kiss is an end that
justifies any means.

[87]

WHEN a man makes a woman his wife it’s
the highest compliment he can pay her—and
usually it’s the last.
THE happiest wife is not always the one
who marries the best man, but the one
who makes the best of the man she marries.
“WHO findeth a wife findeth a good
thing,” saith the Scriptures. Well,
that’s what most men are looking for nowadays.
IT isn’t the big vague vows he makes at the
altar which a man finds it so difficult to
keep or to get around, but the little foolish
promises he made before he ever got there.
IT IS as foolish to try to reform a man after
he has lost his front hair as to try to tame a
lion after he has gotten his second teeth.

[88]

IT isn’t the things a man says that proves he
loves you, but the things he tries to say and
can’t—the things that choke right up in his
throat and leave him sitting dumb and miserable
on your parlor divan.
PHYSICIANS say the heart is an organ;
but by the way some men manage to grind
out the same old love songs over and over
again it would seem to be more like a street
piano.
ONE whiff of an onion will do more to kill
love than the breaking of the ten commandments.
ALL a man demands of a woman is a knowledge
of what she ought not to do, what
she ought not to say and what she ought
not to think. All a woman need know in
order to wear a halo in her husband’s eyes
is how to keep it on straight.

[89]

MARRIED men should make the most successful
fiction writers, because it takes a
highly developed imagination to invent a
different story for one’s wife every night.
DON’T marry a man merely because he can
write nice long, soul-satisfying letters;
wait until you find out if he can write
equally nice long satisfactory checks.
ONE man’s folly is often another man’s
wife.
THE woman who makes a man perfectly
happy is the one who cares just enough to
respond when he is interested and not
enough to be interested when he doesn’t
respond.
MARRIAGE is like twirling a baton, turning
a handspring or eating with chopsticks;
it looks so easy until you try it.

[90]

A MARRIED woman is always impressionable,
because she has become so used to
a total abstinence from flattery that a compliment
from a man goes to her head like
wine to the head of the teetotaler.
REFINEMENT is what makes a man turn
on his heel and go off to the club instead
of staying at home and having a good, old-fashioned
row with his wife.
THE man who keeps his sentiment bottled
up and his money lying in the bank is so
narrow that he wouldn’t take a broad view
of anything, even if he saw it on a bargain
counter at half price.
THE biggest, boldest man that ever lived is
built like a barge, and any little woman
who puffs up steam enough can attach
him to her and tow him all the way up the
river of life.

[91]

A MAN is always able to restrain his jealousy
as long as his wife wears untrimmed
cotton flannel lingerie.
TAKE a spoonful of violet perfume, a pound
or so of lace, a dash of music, and serve
under a summer moon—and almost any
man will call it “love.”
A WIFE always feels perfectly safe in going
driving with her husband, because she
knows by sad experience that he will devote
both hands and all his attention to the
horses.
A MAN whom wild horses cannot drag
from the path of duty will sometimes get
so tangled up in a pink ribbon that he will
trip and fall right out of it.
KISSES are love’s assets, quarrels its liabilities.

[92]

BEAUTIES of the soul may be very fascinating,
but somehow they aren’t the
kind a man looks for when he invites a girl
out to dinner or for a spin in his automobile.
AN OLD maid is an unmarried woman who
has more wrinkles than money. There is
nothing like a halo of gold dollars to keep
a woman attractive to a green old age.
THE things for which there is “the devil to
pay,” are the only sort which most men
seem to consider really worth the price.
AS a soul-companion, the main difference
between a bulldog and a husband is that
the dog can’t talk—and the husband won’t.
A MAN loves a woman first tenderly, then
madly, then dearly, then comfortably,
and last dutifully.

[93]

SOME men are born for marriage, some
achieve marriage; but all of them live in
the deadly fear that marriage is going to
be thrust upon them.
DISTANCE lends enchantment; but too
much distance between husband and
wife is sure to end by one or the other of
them finding another “enchantment.”
IN THE mathematics of matrimony two plus
a baby equals a family; two plus a mother-in-law
equals a mob; and two plus an affinity
equals—a divorce.
IT IS something of a shock to the sweet girl
graduate who has spent her youth in digging
up the Latin roots, studying the
Greek forms and acquiring a working
knowledge of French, German and Hebrew,
to discover that the only language
her lover really appreciates is baby talk.

[94]

WHEN a man tells his wife that he is
“sorry” about anything he has done he
doesn’t mean that he’s sorry he did it, but
that he’s sorry she found it out.
FLIRTATION is like a pink tea, harmless
but not exciting; love is like a dinner with
seven kinds of wine, satisfying and exhilarating
but apt to leave you with an uncomfortable
feeling that you ought to have
stayed away from it.
A MAN’S wife is something like his teeth,
in that he seems to be aware of her presence
only when it becomes annoying or
painful.
ONE advantage in being a married man is
that you are not haunted by the harrowing
suspicion that every pretty single woman
you meet may have matrimonial designs
upon you.

[95]

A MAN’S sentiment is like cologne; he always
offers you the cheap kind in large
quantities.
A FEW years with the “George Washington”
type of husband, who goes about
with a hatchet and is too honest to flatter
his wife, must make her long for a nice,
comfortable companion like Ananias.
BEING clever at repartee means being able
to say at the moment the brilliant thing
which you usually don’t think of until ten
minutes later.
ANALYZING your love for a woman is like
dissecting a flower; by the time you have
picked it to pieces and found out what it is
composed of, its perfume and beauty are
all gone. Sentimental botanists get about
as much satisfaction out of life as dietetics
out of a good dinner.

[96]

A SUMMER resort is a place where a man
will resort to anything from croquet to
cocktails for amusement and where a girl
will resort to anything from a half-grown
boy to an aged paralytic for an escort.
WHEN a man becomes a confirmed old
bachelor it is not because he has never
met the one woman he could live with, but
because he has never met the one woman
he couldn’t live without.
MANY a man who promises before marriage
to lift every care off a girl’s shoulders
won’t even begin by lifting the ice off
the dumb-waiter after marriage.
ONE comfort in being a woman is that you
have the right to cry; when a man sheds
tears the poor thing always looks and feels
as if he had been guilty of an immodest exposure
of the soul.

[97]

DON’T fancy a man is serious merely because
he treats you to French dinners and
talks sentiment; wait until he begins to
take you to cheap tables d’hôte and talks
economy.
A MAN likes a wife who appeals to his
lighter side, but the average man has so
many lighter sides that no one woman
could appeal to them all; and even if she
could there is always his darker side and a
peroxide blonde waiting around to appeal
to it.
A WOMAN’S idea in marrying a man is that
she may save his soul; his idea in marrying
her is that she may save his socks and
his digestion.
PEOPLE who marry “for a joke” certainly
must be blessed with an awfully keen
sense of humor.

[98]

THE girl whose hair is a little too gold,
whose chin is a little too pink and whose
laugh is a little too gay, apparently doesn’t
realize that even a siren couldn’t attract a
man if she sang too loud.
THE “measure of a man” can usually be
taken in half an hour’s acquaintance, but
the true measure of a woman is something
that is known only to her husband and her
dressmaker.
THE worst of certainty is better than the
best of doubt,” says the proverb; but
when it comes to man’s love for a woman
the worst of uncertainty is better for it
than the best of security.
A MAN’S past is written on a slate which
can be washed clean at will, but a
woman’s is written in indelible ink in Mrs.
Grundy’s reference book.

[99]

MANY a woman who cannot be bought
with any amount of gold can be won with
just a little amount of brass.
IF MEN were absolutely certain that angels
wear the sort of Mother Hubbard draperies
in which they are usually painted instead
of French corsets and sheath skirts, not
one of them would bother about trying to
get to heaven.
THE poet who sang of “woman’s infinite
variety” must at some time have been the
only young man at a summer hotel.
THE man who lets the tailor pad his shoulders
is very contemptuous of the woman
who lets the dressmaker pad her skirts.
NOWADAYS love is a matter of chance,
matrimony a matter of money and divorce
a matter of course.

[100]

SOME men are so material that a beautiful
sunset would remind them of nothing but
Neapolitan ice cream, and a flock of sheep
on a green hillside would suggest nothing
more inspiring than lamb with mint sauce.
IN ancient times one drink of Lethe water
made a man lose his memory and forget
even his name. Oh, well, one drink will
do that nowadays—but it isn’t Lethe and
it isn’t water.
“JOY cometh in the morning”—but more
often to the widow in second mourning.
EVERYBODY has adopted modern improvements
and new methods nowadays
except the stork, and he goes right along
carrying on business in the same old way.
No wonder he has lost so much of his
fashionable trade to the up-to-date dog
fancier.

[101]

A PRETTY girl in a peek-a-boo waist and a
Merry Widow hat on her way downtown
can sometimes create more excitement in
the business district than a Wall Street
panic or a fire.
BEFORE marriage it fills a man with tenderness
to have a girl slip her hand confidingly
into his coat pocket; but after
marriage somehow it fills him only with
distrust.
IT is one of the mockeries of matrimony that
the moment two people begin to be awfully
courteous to one another round the house
it is a sign they are awfully mad.
A MAN’S idea of being perfectly noble and
honest with a woman is to be able to
make her think he loves her without indulging
in any incriminating statements
to that effect.

[102]

MOST women appear to think that “’tis
better to have been loved and bossed”
than never to have been married at all.
DISAGREEABLE habits, like disagreeable
husbands and wives, are so much
easier to acquire than the other kind and
so much harder to get rid of.
A WIFE’S indignation at the women who
flirt with her husband is often tempered
by her pity and astonishment that they
should be so hard up as to waste time on
a man like him.
THE average husband has an idea that
economy should begin at home—and end
at the corner café.
MANY a wife would be glad to exchange
places with her cook on that lady’s salary
days and her evenings off.

[103]

A MAN’S idea of showing real consideration
for his wife is to make sure that she
won’t find out what he is doing before he
does anything that she would disapprove
of.
THE first child makes a man proud, the
second makes him happy, the third makes
him hustle, and the fourth makes him
desperate.
WHEN a man declares that making love
to a particular woman “wouldn’t be
right,” he really means that it wouldn’t be
safe; but he is too polite to say that.
IN tragic moments we think of trifles; no
doubt a girl who is being run down by an
automobile stops to thank heaven that
there are no holes in her stockings and a
man that there are no incriminating letters
in his pockets.

[104]

A MONTH of poker parties and summer
girls can make a married man as anxious
to get his wife back home again as a diet
of champagne and ice cream would make
him for a square meal of roast beef and
baked potatoes.
BETWEEN lovers a little confession is a
dangerous thing.
CALL a woman weak-minded and a man
will wonder if you aren’t jealous of her;
but call her strong-minded and he will
take your word without stopping to investigate.
THE wife who insists on being useful instead
of concentrating on being beautiful
and amusing will soon find herself relegated
to the shelf like a medicine bottle,
instead of being kept near at hand like a
wine bottle.

[105]

THAT sad, patient smile one sees on the
face of a married woman may not come so
much from heart-hunger as from a daily
effort to listen to her husband’s latest joke
at the same time that she pacifies the cook,
soothes the baby and looks for his lost collar
button.
HOPE springs eternal in the feminine
breast as long as a woman has ambition
enough to continue to curl her hair, and
in the masculine breast as long as a man
has self-respect enough to keep on shaving
his chin.
THE things a man wants in a sweetheart
are no more like those he wants in a wife
than the things he wants for breakfast are
like those he wants for dinner; yet he
never seems to despair of warming over
the light menu and making it do for a
regular diet.

[106]

WHY is a woman always so jealous of her
husband’s stenographer when his real
affinity is just as likely to be somebody
else’s stenographer?
IT IS not a man’s morals but the manners
that make him comfortable or otherwise to
live with. A burglar or an embezzler can
make his wife fairly happy if he will be
prompt to dinner, agreeable at breakfast
and will put up the portieres with a pleasant
smile.
NOTHING makes a woman so green with
envy and mortification as her husband’s
ability to turn over and snore five minutes
after they have had an exciting quarrel.
OLD love, like old lamps, is apt to burn
low and fitfully; it takes a new heart interest
now and then to keep up the glow
of life.

[107]

THE balance of power in the family usually
goes to the husband or wife who has the
largest balance in the bank.
AMONG a man’s sweethearts the first shall
never be last, and the last can always be
sure that she isn’t the first.
THE larger a man’s girth the more expensive
his flirtations; nothing but orchids
and grand opera tickets can make a girl
forget real embonpoint long enough to be
sentimental.
MEN don’t talk about one another as
women do—perhaps because they find
it so much more interesting to talk about
themselves.
A FRANK husband and a kodak fiend teach
a woman that truth is indeed stranger and
more terrible than fiction.

[108]

ONE touch of highball makes the whole
world spin.
A MAN’S sense of honor is so peculiar that
it gets out of working condition the minute
he comes near a pretty woman.
THE man who kisses a woman at the first
opportunity is either a fool or a cad; the
man who waits for the second opportunity
is a philosopher; the man who waits for
the third opportunity is a speculator; and
the man who waits any longer is—a freak.
THE girl who has entertained her fiancé
every evening for a three years’ engagement
may console herself with the hope
that she won’t be liable to see so much of
him after marriage.
‘TIS best for a man to be square, but a
woman is more lucky to be round.

[109]

WHEN a man has waked up the whole
family and half the neighborhood flinging
empty beer bottles at a cat on the back
fence he feels so refreshed that he can go
right back to sleep and snore straight
through a fire or a thunderstorm.
IN the face of a man’s childlike vanity it is so
difficult for a girl to decide to be ready
when he arrives and thereby look as
though she had been waiting for him, or
to keep him waiting and look as though
she had been primping for him.
A MAN will tell his troubles first to his God,
next to his lawyer, then to his valet, and
lastly—to his wife.
A LITTLE “absent treatment” now and
then is the best tonic for conjugal love;
an ounce of summer vacation is worth a
pound of divorce.

[110]

IT may cause a man sincere regret to get into
a foolish flirtation, but the only thing that
causes him real downright repentance is
not to be able to get out of it.
TO fascinate an intelligent man pretend to
be silly; to attract a good man pretend to
be naughty; to win a fool pretend to be
clever; and to charm the devil pretend to
be a saint.
A GIRL loves to spell her soul out on paper,
but a man can’t see the use of writing a
love-letter when he can compress his
whole passion into one paragraph on a post
card.
IT is a sad fact that two people who go into
matrimony with the noble idea of sharing
one another’s joys and ambitions so often
end by sharing nothing but one another’s
towels and brushes and grouches.

[111]

A MODERN love affair is something like
English plum pudding: it contains very
little spice and sweetness and is mostly a
matter of “dough.”
A FLIRT and his conscience are soon
parted.
A MAN’S idea of constancy is being perfectly
devoted to some woman who is
either dead or too indifferent to demand
anything of him.
THE whole art of winning at either cards or
love consists in keeping a level head and
not taking the game seriously; but, alas—when
a man is playing for money and a
woman for matrimony they are bound to
take it seriously.
WHEN mothers-in-law come in at the door
love flies out at the window.

[112]

A CLEVER woman can sometimes make a
fool of a man, but it takes a fluffy little
thing with a baby face and no brains or
morals to speak of to make him make a
fool of himself.

FAINT praise ne’er won fair lady.

GOING through life without love is like going
through a good dinner without an
appetite—everything seems so flat and
tasteless.
IT is most provoking to a woman who is winning
in a quarrel to have a man suddenly
turn round and take the argument right
out of her mouth—with a kiss.
WHERE do all of the lost hearts go?
Well, most of the masculine ones go
“down where the Wurzburger flows.”

[113]

THE hardest problem of a girl’s life is to
find out why a man seems bored if she
doesn’t respond to him and frightened if
she does.
MENTAL science never cured a man of
love-sickness, because in the average
man’s love mentality plays so small a
part.
A MARRIED woman has an awfully small
chance of learning anything about her
husband’s English vocabulary, for the
simple reason that he never addresses her
except in baby talk or swear words.
A $30-A-WEEK clerk always feels it incumbent
to take a girl to the theatre in
a taxicab. It requires a bona-fide millionaire
to drag her about in a five-cent
street car with perfect éclat and no apologies.

[114]

WHETHER a girl looks indignant or
happy after you have kissed her depends
a great deal on how long she has been
waiting for you to get up the courage to do
it.
TURNED-DOWN lovers tell no tales.
WHEN a woman says “There are no secrets
between my husband and me,” it
is a sure sign that she hasn’t found out any
of his.
THERE are dozens of systems for winning
at roulette, but the only system for winning
at love is systematic flattery.
LOVE in a cottage doesn’t seem so appalling
when you come to consider that there
is such a thing as matrimony in a modern
flat.

[115]

NO MAN is a really artistic lover who hasn’t
enough dramatic instinct to forget all
other women while he is making love to
one.
IF it weren’t for the tiresome wedding journey
and the monotonous honeymoon, bridal
couples could begin being happy right
away.
EVEN though the dulcet iciness in her
voice ought to be more effective than a
shriek of warning, a man will go right on
telling his stout, blondeblonde wife that she ought
to dress like the slim brunette next door.
THERE is something about a wife’s tears
that washes all the color and starch out of
a man’s love.
WHEN married people can’t come to
terms marriage should come to a termination.

[116]

THE longest way round matrimony is the
shortest way to happiness.
THE reason a man is so often tempted is
because most of the time that is what he
is sitting around waiting for.
FROM the stony silence into which the average
husband sinks after the honeymoon
there must be something almost unspeakable
about matrimony.
A WOMAN looks upon her first kiss as a
consecration; a man regards it as a desecration.
TIME and tide wait for no man, but the untied
woman has to wait for any man who
chooses to keep her waiting.
IN fashionable circles one wife and a dog
constitute a “family.”

[117]

IT MAY be very noble of a man to have no
secrets from the woman he loves, but it’s
rather hard on all the other women he has
gotten over loving.
A MAN who can marry the right girl and
won’t marry her somehow always ends
by being made to marry the wrong one.
MANY a good husband hasn’t the nerve or
the courage to be anything else.
WIDOWS have all the honors without any
of the trials of matrimony; a live husband
is sometimes a necessity, but a dead
one is a real luxury.
MANY a man’s idea of a wife is something
decorative to be kept around the house
and only taken out on show occasions like
the jewels in his safe and the horses in his
racing stable.

[118]

IN olden times sacrifices were made at the
altar—a custom which is still continued.
OF course every woman knows that the
man she loves is a “brute”—but unfortunately
that is one of the reasons why she
loves him.
THE kind of woman who holds a man’s devotion
forever is like a silky, self-satisfied
Angora cat who takes her petting as a matter
of course, never returns it, and never
gets on his nerve by asking for more.
IT isn’t so much a man’s sins and failings,
but the air of conscious pride with which
he accepts her comments on them that a
woman can’t forgive.
THAT will be a great novel in which the
author can make the man who owns the
machine as fascinating as the chauffeur.

[119]

EVERY man honestly believes that franchise
in the hands of a woman is like a
loaded gun in the hands of a small boy—utterly
useless and sure to do damage to
somebody.
WAD some power the giftie gie us to see
ourselves as men’s mothers see us—but
it wouldn’t make us happy.
ONE reason why a dainty little thing like
a woman wastes her love on man-creature
with a rough chin, stubbly hair and a
smell of tobacco about his clothes is that
he is the only thing in that line.
A MAN will forgive a woman for almost
any indiscretion sooner than for leaving
her hair in the comb and for breaking the
Ten Commandments sooner than for leaving
her hot curling tongs where his fingers
can get on them.

[120]

THE man who tries to mix his women
friends has about the same unfortunate results
as the man who tries to mix his
drinks.
‘TIS better to have kissed and paid the cost
than never to have kissed at all.
THE word “court,” whether it refers to the
way her husband won her or the place
where he lost her, always has a pleasant
sound to a grass widow.
IF a woman could veil her thoughts and feelings
as effectively as she veils her face she
would be so fascinating that no man could
resist her.
WHEN it comes to love-making men are
so unoriginal, that a sage, a fool and a
“lovers’ letter-writer” all sound exactly
alike.
HUSBANDS are
like Christmas
gifts: you can’t choose
them; you’ve just got
to sit down and wait
until they arrive and
then appear perfectly
delighted with what
you get.
THE only way to
be happy with
a husband is to
learn to be happy
without him most of
the time.

Transcriber’s Notes:

Obvious punctuation errors repaired.

Book title was added to top of text so that it did not begin only with the quotes printed on the inside
covers.

The remaining corrections made are indicated by dotted lines under the corrections. Scroll the mouse over the word and the original text will appear.

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